Robert Scribner is a senior majoring in marketing. He can be contacted at [email protected].As an opinion writer, I always try to write in a way that my target audience will appreciate. Although my message may change from week to week, often in conflict with the message of the week before, I do my best to tailor it to whomever may be reading that particular article. Sometimes this is difficult; sometimes it’s fun.
There is one characteristic, however, that is consistent among nearly all of my readers. This one attribute is what ties them all together. It’s what allows me to connect with them, as readers and as people. The main thing that they all share is the fact that they are all currently alive. This is to say that they are not yet dead, nor have they not yet been born into existence.
The reasons for this are obvious. Living people are generally sentient, which makes them easier to relate to. Also, their “funny bones,” as the kids say, are often still intact.
I mention all this because I recently learned of an alarming trend among living human beings. The trend is this: Life expectancy has leveled off, or even declined, for a large segment of Americans. This is in contrast to the continuous increase in life expectancy throughout America that lasted from 1960 until 2000.
Apparently this plague of early dying affects women the most, as life expectancy for women in certain geographic segments is now lower than it was in the early 1980s. And get this: The most unfortunate seem to be concentrated in the South.
I have a problem with this, a big problem. It’s fairly well-known to me that my largest and most important demographic consists of sassy, college-aged Southern belles. More often than not, I write entirely for that segment. Lo and behold, these ladies have decided to go off and die young. This has got to stop.
My preference is for ladies that are alive. Ladies that are dead don’t do much for me. I have nothing to say to them. Even the women that haunt my thoughts and dreams are still alive, so what use do I have for the dearly departed?
If this trend continues, I will eventually lose my only position of influence in this world. Sixty years from now, my entire readership will be gone. I will have become a man without a voice. A man without a country, like Kurt Vonnegut, except for with valid justification.
It is for this reason that I urge you ladies to continue to live for as long as is humanly possible, if not for me, then for the respect of statistics and American pride. Americans have been living for longer and longer since the 1960s, and that has become a symbol of our prosperity. Last I heard, Americans are supposed to live for nearly forever. It’s been nearly 500 years since Ponce de Leon discovered the Fountain of Youth in Florida. And that guy’s still alive today! Utilize it, people.
In the very least, do me this one favor. Try hard at least not to perish during this upcoming summer. Be prepared for death, but do not succumb to it. Always keep your eyes open. Be proactive, because death could lurk around every corner. Wear a helmet as often as possible. Stay hydrated. Get tested.
I very much hope that you, especially the ladies among you, heed my words. We can turn this boat around, this horrible, horrible boat of death. I don’t want you to die almost as much I don’t want to die myself. And if you make it through the summer, then we will be one step closer to the solution. See you next semester, hopefully.