In my last article, I discussed how certain words and phrases in the English language could be used to get out of apologizing. Not long after, some friends and I (yes, I have friends) were discussing other handy phrases that allow the user to get away with saying things that people would normally take offense to. I would love to know who came up with these, or at least who started the trend, because this person must have had a personality remarkably similar to mine (yes, I have a personality-it’s just a small one). Even though I would not go so far as to call our society polite, we still generally follow the basic rules of etiquette. Even if a person is begging to be made fun of, or there is something that needs saying but would be rude to say, the rules of society and political correctness dictate that we don’t speak what’s on our minds. You know, “If you can’t say something nice about someone…” Fortunately for people like me, who are sarcastic and rude at heart, someone came up with a method for disguising those harsh remarks by adding words that make them appear to be harmless observations or even helpful suggestions. It’s easy. You simply take whatever nasty comment you wanted to make in the first place and throw a short phrase and conjunction on the front of it to mask your true intent and make yourself appear to be completely innocent of any impoliteness.
Allow me to elaborate. Let’s say you have a friend who is wearing something totally tasteless. You would like to say, “What did you do, dress in the dark this morning? That outfit is hideous.” However you don’t want your friend to be offended, so you add the phrase, “I don’t mean to be rude, but…” to the front of your sentence, and voila, you were able to say exactly what you wanted without causing undue offense to your pal. In fact, he or she may actually think that you are merely trying to be helpful. Some people see right through this little ruse and get offended anyway, but for the majority of the population, this little trick can keep you out of trouble when you just can’t help not saying something nice about someone.
The possibilities are endless, but I have compiled a short list of these phrases, which I refer to as “not-to-be phrases” since most begin with either, “I don’t mean to be _____ but…” or simply “Not to be ______, but…” It amazes me how a few simple words can cover up the true meaning of your original thought. For example, if I say, “Look, not to be rude, but…” I obviously intend to be rude, and it’s pretty much a given that the next thing out of my mouth will be something mean, but with my little not-to-be phrase, I can come across as being completely polite. Simply fill in the blank with the word of your choice, then say whatever it is that you wanted to say in the first place. The following words can be used in either of the above examples: rude, ugly, mean, nosy, sexist, picky, a jerk, crude, insensitive, etc.
Now just in case you are thinking to yourself that this is something that is beneath you and the rest of polite society, think again. It isn’t merely sarcastic humor writers with too much time on their hands, many professionals use similar methods to keep themselves out of trouble.
While in the military, I often resorted to using the phrase, “With all due respect sir…” when disagreeing with a superior. Even though my next words would be contrary to whatever he had just said, and may not have even been that respectful, by using that little phrase, I always came across as being polite, and had to do far fewer push-ups than other soldiers who merely blurted out, “That’s the dumbest idea I’ve ever heard.”
Psychologists and physicians also use clever little phrases so as not to offend their clients. Examples include: “Don’t panic, it’s not really noticeable, but…,” “I wouldn’t be too concerned about that, but…,” “Now not that there’s anything wrong with your behavior, but…,” and “That’s nothing to be ashamed of, but…”
So now that you have a few examples to get you going, go out and have fun with this, try out new words, and see if you too can be offensive without actually offending anyone. My editor has already tried out a new one on me, “Now don’t take this the wrong way Ben, but you’re not funny, and your articles suck.”
– Editor’s Note
I did not say that.