Today marks the most important election day in many years. In case you have not been keeping up with politics lately, the balance of power between Republicans and Democrats in Congress could shift. However, I really do not want to write a serious article. Forgive the inner dialogue, but I am confident that those of you who care about the congressional balance of power will be able to find the information somehow and make your own judgment about what happened.
Besides, after passing through mid-terms, it is time for a little comic relief. For your viewing pleasure, I have gazed deeply in the crystal ball and provided a forecast for the coming months:
November
In a stunning upset, Independent Jim Giles defeats incumbents Ronnie Shows and Chip Pickering for Mississippi’s 3rd congressional district seat. Giles is an interesting fellow, who is apparently running his campaign with the rally cry of “white country rebel.”
Do not ask me what that means, I just work here. For more morsels of infinite wisdom, check out his Web site at www.rebelarmy.com.
December
After losing all of their remaining games and finishing dead last in the SEC West, Ole Miss is declared the No. 2 team in the BCS standings, which means they would play for college football’s national championship. After a hastily introduced rule amendment known as the “Nebraska Clause,” Ole Miss is denied their shot at a title because they would get destroyed and abused in the title game.
In another stunner, Jared “Hefty Lefty” Lorenzen claims the Heisman trophy, awarded to college football’s finest and, in this year’s case, most massive player.
January
An ice storm of historic proportions strikes Starkville, sending our fellow Mississippi residents into a bread-, milk- and battery-buying craze. Power is lost, schools close for a week and grocery stores triple their projected earnings. Our old buddy Jim Giles, who by this time has been declared Governor of Mississippi by overwhelming public demand, declares a state of emergency and calls in his country rebel army to restore order.
February
Groundhog Day passes with little fanfare, and President Bush has outlined his brilliant “strategery” to save our rainforests and restore our strong economy by bombing Iraq with no abandon. The plan, according to Bush, is to “bomb them a whole bunch.”
The world reacts by saying that the United States has more money and a stronger army, so they really do not care what we do as long as we spend our money on their exports.
Bush personally takes over Iraq’s abundant oil fields and sells the oil to make more bombs.
Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld responds by gnashing his teeth and walking through the Pentagon like a rabid madman, frothing from the mouth and muttering something about horses. War, according to Rumsfeld, is like a Playstation 2 shoot and kill game-he has unlimited bombs and unlimited lives to lose.
March
In one day, with one stunning press release, the world as we know it changes forever. The Mississippi Department of Transportation releases a statement claiming that all road construction in the state has been completed ahead of time and under budget. Gov. Giles, who has been fortifying the entire state for the upcoming secession from the Union and subsequent war, sums it all up by saying, “We have paved roads?”
After looking over everything going on in the near future, it sure looks like we are in for a crazy couple of months. So, I hope that everyone will plan accordingly for these events by seeking shelter immediately.
Josh Johnson is a junior broadcast meteorology major.