Rationality is a gift. Unfortunately, it is a gift that often gets tucked away when emotions take over. You often find yourself making excuses for the inexcusable and pretending that something is okay simply because its negative aspects are balanced out by the positive aspects of something else.
Rationality should never be sacrificed. The loss of such a crucial aspect of thought will only make you more vulnerable: vulnerable to being lied to, vulnerable to convincing yourself that you are happy and vulnerable to getting hurt.
In a secure relationship, rationality is likely to be more present than in an insecure relationship. When there is nothing to worry about, there is no reason for emotional thoughts to have to struggle with logical ones. Unfortunately, every relationship cannot be completely secure.
It is very difficult to distinguish between unnecessary worry and intuition. It’s likely that the two will be confused from time to time. In fact, it’s likely that you’ll spend more time worrying without reason than you do following our intuition. Sometimes it’s just easier to take that route.
Often, the process of distinguishing between the two becomes increasingly difficult as friends try to be helpful, saying that there is nothing to worry about, that you’re just being petty. Of course, sometimes you are being petty, but when that all too-familiar feeling of discomfort swells in the pit of your stomach without relinquishing, it is likely that intuition is what you’re listening to.
At that point, you know deep down that something is wrong. You just have to act on that feeling before it’s too late. More often than not, you are going to spend so much time trying to interpret those feelings that you run out of time.
The other person ends up making the decision for you, and you’re left feeling completely incompetent because you could not recognize your own emotions. You’ve allowed yourself to become completely vulnerable, and that causes you to get hurt. You were right, even though everyone told you that you were overanalyzing the situation, worrying too much, finding it hard to believe that good things can actually happen. You were right and you allowed yourself to become blinded by the words of others to the point that your vulnerability reached a maximum.
And that’s when it happened. The end came more quickly than you could have anticipated, although you knew it was coming. There was no good way to prepare yourself, so even if you knew exactly what time the relationship would end, you would still have the same feelings you have now.
At this point, the best thing to do is to try your hardest to think rationally. The onslaught of emotional thoughts will distract you at any given chance, but you’ll have to fight them off and realize what is really happening.
You’ve been hurt. It’s possible that this isn’t the first time, and that makes it even worse. Getting hurt in basically the same manner more than once can make you feel like a fool. Now that it’s happened (possibly again), be sure this is the last time.
Absorb this ending. Reflect on the beginning. Process the two together and recognize any mistakes in between. Actually learn from your mistakes instead of simply telling yourself ‘I’ll never do that again.’ To be terribly clich, actions speak louder than words. You’ll only set yourself up for more heartache and embarrassment if you say you’ll do something or never do something but put no active effort into working towards that goal.
A few precautions can be taken to assist in avoiding repetitive heartache, although they cannot keep it all away on their own.
Attachment can be a horrible thing. Hasty attachment is quite possibly one of the worst things for a relationship. Most of the time, one party will attach more quickly than the other, which leaves the less attached person feeling smothered and desirous to find an escape, which in turn leaves the more attached person clinging for something that no longer exists. Attachment should be practiced carefully; when not used cautiously, attachment can bring about the demise of an otherwise promising relationship.
Allowing yourself to become completely immersed in someone without getting to know them extremely well is also likely to bring about an unfortunate fate. In the beginnings of relationships, you tend to only see the positive qualities of a person. Not many people boast their shortcomings when they first meet someone. When you fall for a person, you’re falling for what you know, and if you fall for someone too quickly, you’re falling for only half (or perhaps less) of that person.
When things begin to settle down, and you slowly learn more and more about your new significant other, you’re likely to find things that don’t please you. In some cases, you’re going to realize you’re dating someone completely different than who you thought you were dating.
Normally this happens once the relationship has ended, and it’s often an embarrassing feeling. It’s never fun to ask yourself, “What exactly was I thinking?”
Finally, you must realize that your trust is valuable. Handing it away freely is never a healthy move. Although you will find some people that will carefully watch over it, you’re taking an immense risk. Many people will convince you that they are responsible enough to be trusted, but when the time comes for them to practice their responsibility, they fail to live up to the challenge.
Trust should be given in increments. Once someone proves that they’re capable of handling a little trust, give them more and more until you know they’re competent enough to be fully trusted.
Obviously, in relationships that aren’t platonic, the process of trusting someone is often a bit more swift. You want to be able to put complete trust in someone you enter a relationship with, but it is not wise to give complete trust as soon as you get to know someone.
These are very important things you should think about when starting a relationship. Emotional involvement cannot control the beginning or duration of a relationship. Rational thought is quite crucial.
Without the ability to think rationally, you’re likely to end up in a place you do not want to be in. If you are completely incapable of practicing rationality, find a good friend who can help you. I’ve found that when I’m drowning in emotional thoughts, I can always call one of my best friends and count on her to help me see my situation through logical thoughts.
Don’t let yourself get hurt by the same situation more than once. Don’t let yourself be hurt by the same person more than once. Repetition is a product of failing to allow your mind to have an opinion in matters of the heart. For any relationship to work, you must allow your mind and heart to share the power.
Michael Robert is a sophomore studying biological sciences.