This is an open letter to all residents of Ruby Hall:
I hope you’re all enjoying yourselves.
For years, MSU residents have dealt with rooms the size of monastic cells, a fact which no amount of decorating can hide. For years they have lugged baskets of shampoo and bath gel across the hallway just to get clean. For years they have sought the comfort and dignity of off-campus apartments.
But you, oh MSU residents elite, will never have to worry about your roommate locking you out while you take a shower.
If you could see me, you may wonder why I complain. At the moment, I am writing this letter from the house that I rent with my husband. Although the house is small, the only air conditioning is from two window units, and the washing machine hookup is in the kitchen, I still have more space and facilities than any Ruby Hall resident. After all, I can park right outside my door.
So why do I have the right to complain? Because I was once one of the unfortunate. I was the resident of an old dorm.
For four years I was moved from room to room in Hull Hall. At the time, I was one of the elite. Hull Hall had the biggest rooms on campus. Hull Hall-ians enjoyed the relative comfort of a few extra feet of space.
Of course, Hull Hall had its own setbacks. Being nearer to the center of campus, parking was terrible. If I ever went anywhere, I had to consider if the errand was worth the half-mile walk back to the dorm. I and the rest of the Hull Hall residents had to move our cars from one of our parking lots every game day to make room for season ticket holders (a travesty if there ever was one).
Still, other dorms have worse setbacks. Some residents have to walk for practically a mile just to get to The Union. Others, especially in places like Suttle Hall, have to deal with crumbling dorms and closets for rooms.
Not to mention moving into the dorm. For so many other dorms, residents, with their families, must lift box after box over multiple staircases, while RA’s and the RD rush around trying to keep a lid on the chaos. There are no moving assistants or refreshment stands. We loaded up like pack mules and moved by the sweat of our brows.
But of course, you are the beginning of change, Ruby Hall dwellers. You are the future of MSU residents, with your private bathrooms and snack bars. You will lead dormlife into the new millennium as MSU changes the face of housing to a slightly more attractive face.
I know that eventually MSU will knock down Suttle Hall and all of the other dorms to build beautiful new living spaces. And really, it’s fairly simple. After all, what does Ruby Hall have that other dorms don’t? Private baths, bigger rooms, wireless access and more of the amenities that other dorms already have (snack bar not included). All the dorms have cable with HBO, furnishings, Ethernet access and fridge/microwave combos.
You, Ruby Hall dwellers, will have the same problems that all residents have, including bad parking, annoying roommates and having to move your stuff every year. You’ll probably have even more problems. After all, if your toilet breaks, you can’t just go to the next stall. You’ll have to either get maintenance or fix it yourself.
Whatever. I really shouldn’t be concerned with it anymore. After all, it’s not your fault that I spent four years in a sub-par dorm. It’s not your fault that you live high on the hog while so many others live in squalor.
So, you see, it’s not that I’m jealous of you Ruby Hall-ians. It’s just that I hate you all.
Editor’s Note: This article is satirical in nature.