It seems as though MTV is on a mission to make sure that everyone in the world appears on television for at least a few minutes. And at the rate they’re going, they may just succeed.
Of course, they’re not really trying to get everyone. But if you’re young, attractive and don’t have any obvious handicaps, they’ve got a show with you in mind. Just show up to the audition, sign all the necessary waivers and contracts and off you go to become a temporary celebrity.
You don’t need to have any talent. In fact, it’s probably better that you don’t. All you need is a willingness to make a complete idiot of yourself on national television. And if you have no shame to haunt you after it’s too late to take back whatever you did on TV, that would be beneficial as well.
Also, be sure to wear the right clothes. Guys, rock your most expensive pink button-down shirt and pre-faded jeans, or whatever the trend of the half-hour is. And be sure to spike your hair because you’ve got to communicate to the world how unique an individual you are.
Girls, the range of clothing is a little broader for you, so choose wisely when you’re deciding which low-cut tight shirt or which high-cut tight skirt to wear. If your tan, hair and make-up are all on point, the world will be much more likely to see you as the deep multi-faceted person that you are.
And you do want the world to take you seriously, don’t you?
Then, once you’ve got your look together, you have to decide which quality reality-based show you want to be on. MTV offers a broad array of reality programming, all of which is either painstakingly true to life or can offer thoughtful social commentary.
One can only imagine how many hours of scholarly debate has been devoted to the psychology of choosing a date based solely on the condition of their bedroom. At least, until MTV brought closure to this issue.
In fact, MTV is out to dispel all kinds of popular myths about dating. Who says you can’t go on a date with two people at the same time and ask one of them to go away at the end? Who says that you can’t go on a date with a busload of people, and talk to one person at a time until you get tired of them and trade them in for somebody else from the bus? And who made the rule that you can’t go on a date wearing a tiny radio in your ear so you can receive tips and lines on what to do and say from some professional dater who’s sitting in a van somewhere?
If these are things you’ve been afraid to try or admit that you’ve done, rest easy. MTV is on your side, eradicating social taboos and smashing stereotypes.
And for those of you who need more than a few minutes to shine, to really show the world how interesting you are, there are shows that run for entire seasons. You may end up on one of them, provided that you’re either attractive or ethnic enough to hold the audience’s attention for eight weeks. And being gay doesn’t hurt, either. So, if you’re attractive, gay and not white, you’re practically guaranteed a spot. Just be sure to bring your attitude.
If you make the grade, MTV will put you in a house where you pay no rent, give you a job that you don’t have to interview or even apply for and choose six of your peers to live with. And all you’ve got to do is be yourself, or whatever variation of yourself you want the cameras to see.
But if living in a house for six months is too mundane for you, MTV has a show where they stuff you in a camper with four other people and have you perform outlandish stunts across the country that will teach you valuable life lessons, like how to keep your balance on a stump while people throw food at you. Honestly, who wouldn’t come out of that experience as a better person than when they went in?
And after your season in the house or the camper is over, if you’re reluctant to let go of the reality TV lifestyle to which you’ve grown accustomed, you can stick around for the challenge. Now, the challenge is a different breed of reality show. It is a sociological experiment in which MTV poses the question: what would happen if we rounded up the most attractive and/or controversial characters from past seasons of our own reality shows and have them compete for money? And the result is the same stuff that happens on the shows they got these people from, except now we know these people better and have far more opportunities to see them in bathing suits. Sheer genius.
And for all you people out there who don’t want to be on TV, MTV isn’t taking no for an answer. If you’re in the wrong place at the wrong time, you’re likely to end up on a hidden camera show getting upset at a cashier who refuses to give you your change just to see how long you can argue without using an expletive or threatening bodily harm.
Or strange people may show up to your house and do outlandish things just to see what you’ll let them get away with.
But that’s just for us nobodies. Celebrities get their own more elaborate hidden camera shows. They get put in ridiculous situations to see how they’ll react when their comfort zone is threatened. And even though most of the situations seem staged from the onset, the celebrities have to take them seriously because the problem just might be real, and lawsuits do happen. Plus, you don’t mess with guys dressed up as cops, even if you think they’re faking, because if they’re not, you’re in trouble.
Finally, we come to the apex of MTV reality programming. In the spirit of benevolence and compassion, MTV will come to your house, pick up your crappy car, haul it off to be remodeled and put more bells and whistles on it than you could ever afford on your own. And what’s more, they do it for free!
Of course, that doesn’t mean they’re going to pay to replace those super expensive tires once they wear out. They’re not going to fix your engine or transmission for free when your rolling disco breaks down. And they can’t be held liable if somebody breaks into your car and steals your stereo or keys your custom paint job, takes your gigantic rims or smashes your tinted window. But it’s doubtful any of that will happen as long as you have the voice of some mediocre rapper as your car alarm. Right?
So if you feel like the world deserves to know you’re alive, just call MTV. And don’t be discouraged if they don’t think you’re a good fit for any of their current shows. Sooner or later they’ll produce one that’s perfect for you.
Jason Browne is a senior communication major. He can be reached at [email protected].