To the United States Congress: y’all are the largest bunch of square-headed jackasses, the likes of which have not, and we can only hope will not again, be assembled in this country.
A Congress of the people, by the people and for the people is a far cry from the low-dealing, pigheaded politicians who, on the whole, comprise your ranks. I will enjoy this diatribe as I make extensive use of dependent clauses to wholly insult the political process in America.
During a time of war and economic turmoil, you rose above it all to bicker on penny-ante topics like the volume of television commercials, of which no legislation to do anything about the latter topic even came to fruition. We might as well fling open the doors of the Treasury and allow every CEO and board of directors member of each Fortune 100 company come in and load up everything their little hearts desire. Oh, I forgot. We don’t even have real money anymore. Just sign another $100 billion or so into existence out of thin air and direct deposit it to their offshore bank accounts.
The robber barons of yore would have their jaws collectively agape if they could see the way corporate America and lawmakers run down the halls of Washington hand-in-hand. At least Carnegie built libraries and Rockefeller employed Americans. Pretty soon we’ll be able to outsource even our lawmaking and America will be the great land of service industries.
Continue to marginalize education and ensure your job security. Continue to make it profitable for corporations to be in charge of incarcerating prisoners and they will be oh-so-profitable. Continue to feather your nest out of fear that if you don’t get reelected, God forbid, you join us unwashed masses. Continue to argue moot points to polarize the American public into two convenient political demographics so no matter what, you only have to pick between two decisions.
You want us broke, dumb and in jail so you can swoop down from your lofty perch, high on Potomac Fever, blow a little smoke and steal away back to D.C., far from the prying eyes of your annoying constituents. The only reason you tolerate us is you need our vote. If you could buy your way to D.C. and not have to shake one hand of someone who earns minimum wage, you know you would.
Allow the press to die and ensure yet another check on the American government turns into another rubber stamp. Keep dangling federal funding in front of the states instead of actually passing a damn law.
Even a parasite knows when to quit gorging – not you, though. You stay on the tit until your dying day. Power is the best drug there is. It turns young interns into nymphos so your middle-aged, saggy ass can finally get some. It makes people put a Mr. or Ms. in front of your name. It’s an unrequited high and most of you are junkies to it. It gives Barbara Boxer the audacity to dress down a true patriot who actually gave of himself to the nation so she could have her fancy tickled by being called Senator when he politely called her “Ma’am.”
I’m pissed, but there’s very little I can do about it. That’s the way you all want it, though, nothing but an easily-sampled polling audience.
Let’s spend on social programs to quell symptoms, but not on education so we can actually treat the disease. An uneducated American is the best voter money can buy. They’ll do whatever you say.
Mr. Obama, I’ve experienced about as much change as when one puts on a new pair of socks. You’re just making it so much easier for a joke like Sarah Palin to gain legitimacy among uninformed voters that she’ll most likely make a genuine run for the Presidency. You’re all hacks. If it’s not the corporations bending Republicans over a barrel, then it’s the fat-cat Union bosses and special interests bending over the Democrats.
A braying jackass should be the de facto symbol for all political affiliations in America. Such apt symbolism hopefully is not lost on many people. The American public’s symbol should be a fainting goat or herd of sheep. Keep us good and scared, that’s the way you like us.
Keep pushing, and eventually some people out there will get close enough to the edge and they’ll push back. In the meantime, keep up the good work.
David Breland is a copy editor for The Reflector. He can be contacted at [email protected].