Monday started as a day like any other. My physical therapists inflicted their usual torture on my knee (which they seem to think is somehow helping it heal), my Chinese class went downhill when I remembered I don’t know any Chinese and my lunch at Cappe’s was absolutely perfect in every way. And no, I’m not being paid to say that.
But things got interesting when I walked onto the Drill Field Monday afternoon. I noticed a huge mass of people gathered together and immediately knew it was that time of year again: the Engineering Week Duct Tape Competition.
Yes, every year, engineering students from all disciplines (or at least the ones who bother to show up) gather together for the noble purpose of affixing someone to a wall using duct tape. Because, as we all know, in today’s competitive global market, useful skills like the ability to tape a person to a wall really help make a resumé stand out.
And even if the real world’s not your thing, the Duct Tape Competition still has a lot to offer. Being able to use duct tape is simply a useful life skill to have.
Earlier today, as a matter of fact, I reached the conclusion that my tennis shoes are falling apart, to the point that they’re not wearable anymore. Instead of replacing them with a pair of new $60 shoes, I used a $5 roll of duct tape to make them wearable again (or at the very least, to make them back into one piece, which is close enough). And I still have $4.65 worth of tape left over. True, I may look like a hobo now, but I feel like a hobo who has $55. (It’s a very specific feeling.)
All in all, there’s a lot to like about the Duct Tape Competition. This year’s competition in particular, though, was a little disappointing, since only two of the teams were able to keep their engineer attached to the wall for the full 20 minutes that it lasted.
So in the interest of the students planning on competing next year – and really anyone who wants to learn more about being taped to a wall (let’s face it: who doesn’t?) – I feel that it’s appropriate to go over some of the ins and outs of proper strategy for anyone looking to improve their technique. Staying attached to a wall is as simple as following my patented three step plan. (For the record, “patented” in this context means “not patented.”)
Step 1: Stay focused. During the competition, there were a lot of potential distractions. Among other things, there was a group of people playing musical instruments, a pair of guys wearing only towels and two or three people damning everyone near them into a lake of fire. The trick to not falling is to keep a clear focus on being taped to the wall.
It may sound like New Age psychobabble (because it is), but the trick is to become one with the duct tape. A good mental focus helps with this. As the ancient poet Virgil once said, “Mind over matter.” Or was that Ice-T? I get them mixed up sometimes.
It’s probably worth noting that it’s also possible to become one with duct tape by virtue of the tape’s adhesive property. So if you’re not into that ridiculous New Age nonsense, you can just stick (no pun intended) to simple physics. In that case, I guess step one is optional.
Step 2: Eat a light breakfast. The key word here is “light.” Eating a heavy breakfast makes you heavy, and that’s not good for situations where gravity is working against you, which includes all situations when you’re taped to a wall. Unless that wall is actually the floor, in which case, by all means, go for all-out gluttony. (Just watch out for that lake of fire.)
Step 3: Don’t fall. This is arguably the most important of the three steps. Believe it or not, the number one reason people can’t remain taped to a wall indefinitely is because they fall off. So, to everyone being taped to a wall: stop falling. There, problem solved.
And with those three steps, you’re a master person-who-gets-duct-taped-to-a-wall. (Someone should really invent a shorter word for that.) Congratulations! Now go update your resumé.
McNeill Williford is a senior majoring in industrial engineering. He can be contacted at [email protected].