This past Friday was a Friday like any other. I got up. I went to class. I ate a large and delicious lunch. I got my hair cut. And, I interviewed two zombies.
Yes, you read correctly. Turns out fellow Reflector opinion writer McNeill Williford has some kind of weird fetish for zombies. After my haircut, I checked my phone to find several voicemails from him inviting me to interview two zombies, Zack Wolfe and Jake Moore.
I arrived on scene and asked them questions. To my surprise, the two zombies were able to make at least the same general noise over and over.
I really have no idea what they meant, but I have taken the liberty to translate their noises into something I think may be appropriate.
Below is a general outline of my interview with them.
Julio: Where can I find more information about participation for next year?
Jake: Graaagh! (Everyone has a MySpace. I’m positive he meant go check out their MySpace, specifically myspace.com/msuzw.)
Julio: Are you really Zombies? Or just copycats? I know Lab Rats did something similar previously this year. That’s weak. What’s the difference?
Zack: Graaagh!
I think they meant this was a self-promoted event, not promotion for Lab Rats. This means more dedicated people true to the cause of zombie walks.
Julio: What do you do in your free time?
Zack: Graaa-ow!
Julio: Didn’t your mother teach you manners? Quit trying to bite me, man.
At this point, Zack tried to bite me, so I hit him with my clipboard. I was still able to gather that in their free time, they enjoy what most other white – err – I mean, zombies enjoy: Lacrosse, hacky-sack, acoustic guitar, writing lyrics for the Dave Matthews Band.
Poor McNeill. This was all his idea, but I think when the zombie tried to bite me, it really freaked him out.
At this point he was sniveling to himself, but I had to continue with the interview. When you’re dealing with the living dead, you can’t spend all your time coddling the weaklings.
Julio: Tell me about logistics. How much time did you spend, and how much did your materials cost?
Jake: Braaaaainnns!
I took this to mean they did what anyone trying to promote would do. Make a Facebook group. Make posters for it. Buy fake blood and make-up. 30 bucks for two people’s worth.
McNeill (who finally worked up the courage to ask a question): What would you like to see differently next year?
It is at this point the zombies finally noticed me and tried to go after me. Years of soccer and running did me well, though.
I agilely dodged the zombies by running up and down stairs.
Remember, just like running around in circles will save you from a crocodile, if you ever find yourself chased by zombies or people pretending to be zombies, try to find a flight of stairs as quickly as possible.
To this moment I still wonder how the zombies were able to see me. Zombies are dead. And as I learned in my physical systems class, without ATP, the iris sphincter muscles in the eyes open permanently and vision is not possible. So light floods in permanently without any kind of barrier. Don’t you see? That’s why they are so sensitive to light.
I don’t think they really answered the question. I’m sure they’d like to see more people, more crowded areas to walk through, and in future years, maybe make it official with the university via a club or something.
McNeill: What are your thoughts on the health care debate?
McNeill’s intense fear had caused him to start asking inappropriate questions, which upset the zombies. I, for better or worse, laughed loudly as he got bitten.
Everyone knows you don’t talk politics and religion. (I’m sure they would be pro-health care improvement, though, since they want to do whatever it takes to keep the meat fresh. And organic.) So I did what any person of class would do in such an awkward social situation. I tried to change the subject.
Julio: What’s the capital of Zimbabwe?
Jake: Braaaaaaains!
Julio: And that reminds me, why haven’t I seen any minority zombies? Can zombies be black?
I guess even dead, something registered with them that I had somehow slighted them – that could explain why Zack charged at me so aggressively. I guess that means minorities can’t be cursed to be zombies. So I guess I’m safe, unless I go to a place where I’m not a minority. Snap.
Julio: How satisfied were you with the event?
Jake: Graaagh!
I think he meant extremely satisfied. And also, he was impressed with my dodging skills, but that went without saying.
In the end, I gained a new understanding of how zombies work. I think it may come down to muscle memory. Breathing is one of the most common body actions, thus, even after death maybe the zombies’ intercostal muscles continue to contract and relax due to decades of constant use.
I’m not quite sure of this yet, but I’ll be able to observe McNeill for further testing. That non-minority got bitten, and by the end of the interview, he was getting pale (though that may have just been from his intense fear)! I’ll spend the next few weeks studying him. And worst case scenario, I’ll be sure to keep a chainsaw on hand.
Julio Cespedes is a senior majoring in biological engineering. He can be contacted at [email protected].