There are about 15 creatures which scare me to death, creatures which plague my worst nightmares. And, with the exception of the vinegaroon (for the love of God, do not search for a picture of a vinegaroon), all of the creatures on this list come from Australia. From the deadly box jellyfish to the deadly redback spider to the deadly brown snake, it seems like there’s not a single harmless creature in Australia, except for maybe the platypus. (Just kidding – platypus venom creates some of the most excruciating pain known to man.)
Even the rocks in Australia are poisonous – the stonefish is a species which disguises itself as a common rock, and it has enough venom to kill a rhinoceros. It doesn’t even need venom; it can already camouflage itself from predators. The deadly neurotoxin is just there because it hates you.
Recently, I came across another animal to add to the list of creatures which haunt my dreams. Can you guess where it lives? (Hint: It’s Australia.)
The animal to which I’m referring is the feral camel, which, until recently, I had never heard of. In fact, if someone used the phrase “feral camel” around me two weeks ago, I would have probably slapped him or her. However, it turns out not only are there feral camels in Australia, there are a lot of feral camels in Australia (over one million and counting).
Now, if you’re like the stereotypical ignorant American, you probably find the idea of camels living in Australia somewhat surprising. Most Americans base their worldview on the movies and television, both of which portray camels as being native only to Asia and Africa. And there’s a very simple explanation why the media has always portrayed them this way: Camels are native only to Asia and Africa.
The camels living in Australia were brought there by Europeans to help explore the Outback, since they’re convenient for traveling through arid climates. As it turns out, however, cars are even more convenient for traveling through arid climates, so with the advent of the automobile, the camels were left to fend for themselves against all the horrors which live in the Australian wilderness.
And, somewhat surprisingly, the camels adapted quite well. In fact, the camels adapted so well that, much like an authentic Australian creature, they’re now becoming a problem for humans. True, they’re not native to Australia, so they don’t possess any deadly venom (yet). But what the feral camels lack in venom, they make up for in resourcefulness.
The feral camels’ assault on human civilization begins by turning the Outback into a desolate wasteland (even more so than it already was). They can eat nearly every type of plant which grows there, and as you read this, they’re working tirelessly to wipe out every living plant they can find. Or it’s possible they’re all sleeping, since Australia’s like nine time zones away from us. (But rest assured, they’re dreaming about wiping out every living plant they can find.)
This may not sound like a big deal by itself, but trust me, the camels have a plan. The plants on the Outback are important for the survival of quite a few other animals, the most noteworthy example being the cow. Cattle farmers have had to start competing with feral camels for grazing space, which has put the Australian cattle industry under a lot of stress. Ranchers are often forced to choose between allocating up to 80 percent of their budget to repairing camel damages or giving up, selling their ranches, getting “Thug Life” tattoos and loitering around the streets of downtown Brisbane.
But starving Australia’s cows is just a warmup for the feral camels. Their next target is human settlements. They’ve begun their assault by invading remote communities and destroying bathrooms and pipelines in search of water. This has caused millions of dollars of damage and frequently leaves entire settlements without water for long periods of time.
I think it’s safe to say it won’t be long until they start escalating their attacks, marauding Australian supermarkets in search of food or gun stores in search of weapons. If camels continue multiplying and assaulting human settlements at their current rate, Australia will probably fall to its camel overlords sometime within the next few decades.
Despite all this, I’m not saying you should never visit Australia. In fact, so long as you have finalized your will and said your last goodbyes to your friends and loved ones, there are a lot of worthwhile sights to see there. But if you do go, try to do so quickly, while human civilization is still around. And bring guns. Lots of guns.
McNeill Williford is a senior majoring in industrial engineering. He can be contacted at [email protected].