Evolution remains a difficult topic in America. Some scientists devote their entire lives to developing proof of its existence, whereas certain individuals like Brad Garrett seem to override areas of scientific evidence. All these studies, debates and city school bylaws are for naught, though. Evolution does not exist, and the proof is in the dying ability of humans to harness and interpret sarcasm. It’s amazing how often the phrase “Just kidding” follows people’s sentences. This phrase, along with several of its offshoot brothers, displays the shrinking of the human brain in all its self-destructive glory. It’s like having a laugh track in real life.
This awful sentence is inherently defensive, the kind of thing one utters to prevent a further onslaught of physical or emotional pain that is undoubtedly soon to be returned. The phrase bears similarity to “I’m sorry,” like an apology muttered under one’s breath immediately after rapping the chorus of “The Real Slim Shady” to a group of wheelchair-bound underachievers.
However, there exists a difference between an apology and an admission of jokery, and that difference is as vast as six clones of Dom DeLuise at an eating contest. Apologies are a necessary part of society. Without apologies, people would be stuck hating everyone for every little wrongdoing, and Lifetime specials would be noticeably devoid of dialogue. Explaining the joking nature of a statement is a totally different matter.
When someone reveals that his previous remarks were intended to be humorous, the joke is grabbed by the throat, taken behind a warehouse and summarily executed. And not executed in the good way. It’s dispatched in a BTK style. Since the explanatory phrase is usually uttered or printed immediately after the supposed funniness, anyone listening or reading is immediately turned off by the pretentious demand for laughter. “I’m being funny,” says the comic. “Seriously, that was a joke. I don’t really think that. Please stay interested. You’re all I have.”
When a man has to tell another person that he is joking, this is raising a barrier of self-defense that allows him to hide behind one of two forms of stupidity.
The first is that the person being told the joke or sarcastic comment is presumably too moronic to grasp the intricate nature of the finely worded hilarity. Therefore, explaining that the string of nonsense was a joke will suddenly evoke an endless spree of laughing, snorting and crying from the now-enlightened dunce. This also allows the joke-teller to feel great about himself, since his wit is obviously of a higher degree than the drooling Neanderthal who is now wetting himself with happiness and urine.
It is important to look out for the demeaning “Just kiddings.” They are almost always in the form of “I was being sarcastic,” which will be said in a high-and-mighty way with just a hint of a British accent. London, most likely. With the snooty jokers there’s a simple approach. Once they’ve explained their sarcasm, thank them profusely. Send them flowers or a fruit basket. Sign every card with “Your admirer, who now grasps the concept of sarcasm.” Eventually they will become frightened and stop talking.
The second form of stupidity stems from the joke-teller directly and is more frequently used. In fact, it makes up almost 87 percent of all cases of the “Just kidding” syndrome. This is, of course, the realization that the fumbling jumble of words just uttered is not, in any way, funny. So, to cover the social slip-up, the horrible, horrible phrase is uttered. In a way it says, “All that slop that just fell out of my mouth was not meant to be taken seriously. Please act accordingly so as to save me from total humiliation.” The proper thing to do for these people is to lovingly wrap an arm around their shoulders and head-butt them in the temple. Then, when everyone laughs, the poor, dazed idiots will think it was because of them. Later, in private, explain to them that they are not funny, never will be and should move to another city.
This rapid devolution of the human understanding of sarcasm and its recipients must be stopped if current standards of intelligence are to be maintained. Where once groups like the Rat Pack could flourish on facetiousness, now everything must be painstakingly explained or forced down the throats of society, ala nearly everything on Fox.
It would be nice to say that all the people who have to explain their jokes should castrate themselves to prevent further generations of mind-numbing annoyance, but that would be encouraging eugenics. On the other hand, eugenics worked once, and it can work again. Just kidding.