Deep down, everyone wants a pacifier. If they don’t crave one, they at least would like to try one. People sit around pondering what it would be like to just go crazy and suck on the little rubber device, wondering if the action would bring back any memories or make anything from their childhoods seem a little more vivid. Unfortunately, it is not socially acceptable to sit around sucking on pacifiers all day. But if enough people are willing to push for change, maybe pacifier sucking will not be frowned upon anymore.
According to parenthood.com, it is best to wean a child from pacifiers by the age of 5, or roughly when they begin kindergarten. This simple, misplaced ideal may be the reason that so many people have erected walls around the idea of adult pacifier pleasure. “It’s just something stupid I used to do as a kid,” they might say. “I was young and experimenting. That’s all in the past now.” Well, it shouldn’t just be in the past.
The best place to start with this pacifier “legalization” or “acceptance” is, obviously, our schools. Since experts like the ones at parenthood.com are speaking out against the use of pacifiers, it makes it very difficult for pacifier proponents to be heard. Children that are denied their right to put things in their mouths are being denied a chance to feel socially comfortable.
Here’s an example from current society.
Timmy walks into school on his first day, nervous, and looks around the classroom to try and find someone he can relate to. He notices how all the children look like their mothers dressed them, but can think of nothing to say. So, he walks to the back of the class, sits down and pulls out his copy of “The Metamorphosis,” forever banned from social interaction, doomed to a friendless destiny. He desperately wishes for something to orally fixate on, but earlier his mother found the pacifier he had attempted to smuggle into class and flushed it down the toilet. Poor Timmy.
Now here’s the scenario as it would appear if Timmy were allowed to bring pacifiers to school.
Timmy walks into school with a strut in his step and smile on his face, relaxed and cool. He enters the classroom and looks around, eyeing an empty seat next to Rachel May, who he has had a crush on since preschool. He walks up, calm and collected, and sits down next to Rachel May, giving her a wink as he slides into the chair.
“Oh, Timmy, you’re so boss!” Rachel May says, since pop culture terms are cyclical, and this is in the future. “How do you do it?”
“Easy, honey,” says Timmy. “I’m pacified.”
“I wish I could be pacified,” says Rachel May.
Then Timmy shows her his stash and tells her to wait until recess, since pacifying is not allowed during class. They subsequently fall in love.
If pacifier acceptance can start at that age, the chain will continue up through the professional and federally regulated markets.
Businesspersons will be able to buy designer pacifiers. Multiple brands will spring up, giving users quality assurance instead of a total good faith relationship with a local pacifier dealer. Federal regulation of the creation of pacifiers will prevent harmful chemicals from being accidentally or purposefully mixed into the pacifier rubber. Those that use pacifiers will no longer be shunned as outcasts and social lawbreakers that wastefully throw pacifiers out the window just because they thought they heard a siren.
The underground pacifier trade will diminish, quelling terrorist funding and putting a major roadblock in the way of pacifier-based gang warfare. More jobs will open up in the pacifier field, hopefully allowing the destitute and jobless to make a decent living as legitimate pacifier salespeople.
It’s true that some health concerns have been raised regarding pacifier use. Teeth can become misaligned if use is constant, but in general, pacifiers are even healthier than cigarettes. Ad campaigns such as “Don’t Suck and Drive” may be needed to control the rampantly pacified, but this should not pose a greater problem than the already large drunk driving dilemma present in the country.
The positives far outweigh the negatives in this debate, and this should not be ignored. Making pacifiers socially acceptable will greatly ease many social and lawful problems in the United States, and that’s just not a chance Americans should pass up.
Tell your friends and neighbors. Talk to congressmen. With just a little support and word of mouth, those mouths will no longer have to search for words. They’ll be occupied.