I spent my winter vacation channeling the powers that Ms. Cleo and I share to come up with the following predictions for the new year.
First, in the world of sports, a study will prove that when NASCAR fans are watching races, they are actually using less brain cells than a cat does while chasing a flashlight beam across a wall. Eli Manning will give up his position with the New York Giants to become a professional drunkard on The Grove and reminisce with other hotty-toddy fans about the good old days when Archie was quarterback. This booze fest will be made sponsored by a relieved Peyton, who was only worried about his own legacy anyway. NBC’s best promotional efforts will fail miserably, and people will still be less likely to watch the curling competition during the Winter Olympics than to use rusty razor blades to slice off their eyelids.
As for the political climate, after Karl Rove is indicted on conspiracy charges for funneling government contracts to Rogaine in exchange for free hair products, George W. Bush will harken back to his earlier thought that running the country would, in fact, “be a heck of a lot easier … just as long as I’m the dictator.”
Remembering how well things went for him in 2005, when the public discovered that he secretly authorized the NSA to eavesdrop on ordinary Americans’ communications, Bush will call one of his infamous “town hall meetings” to gauge public support for a dictatorship. The people at this meeting will enthusiastically support this new initiative because Bush will have secretly authorized the CIA to brainwash the entire population of the United States into believing that civil liberties are bad. Of course, no one will know about this new “presidential power” until it’s too late because the New York Times will still be sitting on the story at the time.
Next, the rate of cancer deaths among citizens of First World countries will skyrocket as we continue to poison the environment through our collective reliance on fossil fuels. The rate of death by bombing among citizens of Third World countries will increase exponentially as industrialized nations demand more oil. Ignorance will continue to prevail among Second World citizens, as their governments produce newspaper headlines such as “Civil Liberties Are Bad” and “Government Spying On Innocent Citizens Is OK.”
However, the similarities between those countries and the United States will be lost on Bush (because he doesn’t read newspapers), and thus we will continue to bomb any country that the CIA believes is hiding weapons of mass destruction (the day after Election Day, the Washington Post will publish a story about the Bush administration’s extensive use of code words, i.e. WMDs equals oil reserves, terrorist equals liberal, work in Crawford, Texas, equals vacation in Crawford, Texas, etc.).
Also, Wal-Mart will mount a new ad campaign titled “We’re Not the Bad Guys, Really, We Promise,” after realizing there are actually people who value convenience less than they value the well-being of other people. Donald Trump will have a stroke when Martha Stewart gets caught teaching her new apprentice to launder money and then ends up serving her “jail-time” on an estate in the Hamptons.
Last but not least, Pat Robertson will lead a coalition of creationists (already disguised as intelligent design advocates) in a record-setting group prayer, asking God to change the Constitution of the United States to create a theocracy and to cause all dissenters to turn into pillars of salt. The Bush administration will recognize this program and will fully fund it as one of its faith-based initiatives. Charles Darwin and Thomas Jefferson will roll over in their respective graves.
I realize that it’s almost February and thus a little late to be making these predictions, but as my physician said as he gave me a tetanus shot after a traumatic accident involving a rusty razor blade, “It’s better late than never.”