SNEAK KING
Blitz Games
Rated E
Available on Xbox and Xbox 360
THE VERDICT:
The royal roustabout provides a humorous time for a few short minutes, but quickly loses his appeal. When it comes to boring games, this one’s a Whopper.
1.5/4 hamburgers
It’s a natural flow of thought for people to wonder what it would be like to be a king. Thousands of loyal servants, control of the law, the ability to jump out of a trash can and scare people half to death while presenting a delicious Burger King hamburger.
OK, so maybe the last one doesn’t cross minds very often, but thanks to Burger King and Blitz Games, that opportunity is now available, as ridiculous as it may be.
The objective of the game is sneaking, as the very contrived title proudly displays. The king must complete numerous missions on four maps. Some examples of missions include sneaking up on people and delivering three Burger King meals, sneaking up on people and delivering five Burger King meals and scaring the living crap out of random passersby, only to stop their impending heart attack with a cholesterol-heavy mega-meal.
The gameplay is clunky at best as the king handles like Jared Fogle before the Subway diet. There is a run button, but pressing it automatically draws the attention of almost everyone in the stage. So, walk about one mile per hour slower and you’ll be completely concealed.
The characters in the game walk about in strictly defined patterns, most likely memorized as a way of bypassing their incredible nearsightedness. In broad daylight the king can run a mere 10 feet in front of the Stevie Wonders and not receive so much as a startled glance. Also, the people are apparently wearing horse blinders, their cones of visions barely stretching beyond the width of their shoulders. If Solid Snake walked this close to his enemies, he’d have four bullets in his head before he could say “Croissan’wich.”
And, oh, the dancing. The king uses all the moves he’s learned in his years as a professional football player to disco the recipients of his tasty treats. Don’t expect to see more than three dances, though. And don’t expect to see them less than a thousand times an hour.
The only semi-interesting thing about the game is it contains both the Xbox 360 and Xbox versions on one disc, a programming feat that has never been accomplished, or attempted, before. Why in the world they decided to do it for this game, the world may never know.
Don’t expect the king to entertain for more than five minutes, as his options are incredibly limited in this game and the repetitiveness becomes mind-numbing after a few short missions.
“Sneak King” will be available at Burger King for $3.99 with the purchase of a value meal, but saving that money for an extra couple of BK Stackers is advised. It’s dumb to be the king.