As of writing this, I have done my patriotic chore to remember the Sept. 11 attacks. I have my “Support the Troops” and “Never Forget” magnets neatly affixed to the back of my car, and my iPod is on repeat of nothing but Lee Greenwood’s “God Bless the USA,” Alan Jackson’s “Where Were You” and Toby Keith’s “Angry American.” I think if you have not done as much as I have to remember 9/11, then you’re not patriotic. Sure, you could shake soldiers’ hands at airports and do the “slow clap” when they walk off a plane like in that cool Super Bowl commercial, but unless you plaster “Never Forget 9/11” sparkly banners on your MySpace then you aren’t an American.
I think at every anniversary of 9/11 we should have a two-minutes-of-hate video to begin the day, so we never forget all those foreigners who attacked us. Matter of fact, no foreigners should be allowed in here. Ever. If we never let foreigners in our country, then they can’t attack us. That is unless they’re Russians and they have bombers, but we’re going to kick their ass anyway. Still, everyone knows McCain picked Sarah Palin as a vice presidential candidate because of her extensive arctic warfare training from fighting bears and the Parent Teacher Associations of Alaska. So, naturally she’s genetically pre-disposed to fight the Russians if they ever decide to attack us, and George Bush says they will. Barack Obama hasn’t even killed a bear and he doesn’t know every tree, so vote for McCain and he’ll protect you and me, like Davy Crockett.
See, John McCain, unlike Dick Cheney, knows exactly where and when the next terrorist attack will come, but he’s keeping it a secret so as not to blow our minds just yet with his plan to stop them. I think it will involve lasers and maybe a big “nuh-cler” bomb.
Anyway, 9/11 won’t ever happen again if John McCain is president. Period.
The terrorists haven’t won the war of 9/11 because we haven’t forgotten it, so we can pretty much call the War on Terror won. The terrorists wanted to stop our daily lives, but we still go to the mall, fill our gas tanks and buy Cheetos in spite of the danger posed by terrorism in our daily lives. I’m glad we’ve had President George W. Bush leading the way to a “return to normalcy” by making sure he sets an example by golfing, vacationing and hanging out with the U.S. Olympic beach volleyball team. Nothing incites the terrorists to yell “jihad” quicker than hot beach volleyball girls. Way to go, Prez.
After eight years have passed, we still are sticking it to terrorists. With the building of the Freedom Tower on the former site of the World Trade Center, at a staggering 1,776 feet tall, it’s a big “up yours” in the face of all fundamentalist Muslim anti-American sentiment. I see nothing better than unabashed, good old fashioned American “mine’s bigger than yours” capitalism to beat the terrorists. I mean, the tallest building in the world is now in the Middle East. It’s about time we brought that title back on home. We invented tall buildings like the Washington Monument, and Bill O’Reilly invented TV.
You see, we’re Americans. Just by being in our hemisphere we’re so much better than the rest of the world because none of these other “cultures” rub off on us. I’m glad we’re not close to France because all the surrender mania might have caught on here, and we would have not won the gold medal in basketball by beating those Red Chinese.
America is the best, and 9/11 showcased how true that is. Not only did we know who attacked us on 9/11 shortly after the attacks, we were blowing things up half a world away to stop them from coming again. That’s power. Nothing says, “I’m in mourning” like Special Forces and Tomahawk cruise missiles. By the way, Tomahawks should be our national weapon. I know we don’t have a national weapon, but something as American as the Tomahawk should be it.
We’re such an awesome country that other countries celebrate 9/11. I saw on TV that the Central Bank of Liberia is making commemorative money plates for 9/11. They’re making $20 bills, but instead of having the number 20 on them to denote the amount, they have a nine and an 11. I’ve already ordered the strict household limit of five commemorative plates, but I cheated and I used my grandma’s address too and got five more. We should let Liberia be our biggest ally for showing such good graces as to print up money that commemorates an American tragedy. I don’t see the Japanese doing that for us.
So, in closing, remember 9/11 and don’t forget it. Because if we ever forget, then the terrorists will win. Then we won’t be No. 1 anymore.
David Breland is the managing editor of The Reflector. He can be contacted at [email protected].