Here we all are. It’s mid-November approaching mid-late-November, and autumn is fully upon us. The gentle earth has once again entered its yearly cooling phase, and peoples around the world are beginning to prepare for the harsh winter months ahead.
The signs of
transition are
apparent. The
women about
town have
finally begun
to wear their obtrusively large
knee-length boots. The elderly
are gradually beginning to
disappear, one by one, into
their underground hibernation
dens. The babies are simply
crying, unable to do anything
because they don’t have any
motor skills.
As for the men, the real men,
well . they are growing some
damn beards. They’ve been
growing these beards for quite
some time now. By my watch,
it’s been around 21 days. That
is, since No Shave November
began. And what a great No
Shave November it has been
thus far. My beard is flourishing
and so am I.
Now, I realize that my readers
are historically female and that
they are going to have trouble
comprehending the importance
of having a beard, or so I would
hope. But for the rarest of men
out there, heed my words.
Let’s think about this in
Biblical proportions. Consider
the true story of Samson and
Delilah. If I remember correctly,
this is the one in which
God lets Samson be a superhero
so long as he never cuts
his hair. Unfortunately, Samson
says something to the effect of,
“Hey there, Delilah. I would
certainly appreciate it if you
didn’t cut my hair.”
But she does anyway! After
this, God leaves Samson (or
perhaps was only stored in
his hair to begin with), and
Samson has his eyes burned
out by Philistines. Later on, he
regrows his hair, God returns
to him, and he destroys himself
and 3,000 Philistines by razing
a temple. What is the point
here?
The point is, all women
are liars. Also, you should not
shave your face for at least one
month per
year. The reason
the focus
has switched
from regular
hair to facial
hair is men
don’t typically
grow their
hair long, as
was the fashion
in Biblical
times.
You’re saying,
why
didn’t you write this article a
month ago? Well, the answer is,
I didn’t feel like it. However, I
don’t see why November should
be the only month in which
we ponder the arrogance and
folly of Samson. Dude-cember,
anyone?
You’re probably also contending
my Samson analogy
doesn’t have any real world
application. God doesn’t care
about our hair these days, you
say. And you certainly haven’t
seen any real gains in physical
strength due to the beard,
right?
Well, let’s just say that you’re
entirely wrong.
Not only has my physical
strength improved by perhaps
1.2 or 1.3-fold, but my general
prowess has also skyrocketed. I
have never once been as satisfied
with my prowess as I am
right now. And tomorrow will
be even better.
That’s the beauty of having
a beard. As long as you maintain
your beard properly, and
you never, ever tell a woman
your secrets, you will eventually
find yourself with superhuman
strength. Not to mention
it looks bad as hell.
Robert Scribner is a graduate student
majoring in business administration. He can be contacted at [email protected].