Robert Scribner is a senior majoring in marketing. He can be contacted at [email protected]. Before this Tuesday, The Reflector had been gone for a while. All you college kids didn’t realize or care, because you were on the Spring Break, drinking your Sunny D or whatever it is you drink these days.
That is all perfectly fine and cool, except for it just so happens that some major happenings went down. And because I’m in favor of a well-informed populace, I think we all should have a little talk.
Foglesong resignation
The biggest story, of course, regards the departure of our president, Robert “The Good Doctor” Foglesong. In a super stealthy manner, his resignation was announced to the empty campus on March 7. It probably would have found a bigger audience in Panama City at that point.
Although I don’t know if his timing was intentionally tactical, it was definitely effective in softening the blow. And if that wasn’t his intention, then surely there should have been a Maroon Alert that read something like, “President Foglesong has announced his resignation. Seek shelter immediately.” By the time I found out he was leaving, it was already too late for me to seek shelter. My heart had already been destroyed.
Basketball
Moving on, the second big story is the men’s basketball team. These dudes fared pretty well in the NCAA tournament, beating Oregon and then narrowly losing to one-seed Memphis. It turns out our squad is actually very proficient at throwing balls through circles, which is something that I find extremely entertaining.
The only real downer is that I’m afraid Jamont Gordon is going to leave for the NBA. In light of this, I would like to take the time to personally implore Jamont Gordon to return for his senior year. Jamont, I am prepared to offer you up to $20 to come back. This is likely some sort of NCAA infraction, so pretend that I’m joking now and contact me later. Just kidding, but seriously.
Hell
Luckily, the last big story is an uplifting one. Here it is: You’re going to hell. You’re going to hell because you drink, smoke, fornicate, listen to rock and roll, are overweight, are gay or whatever. That’s the news Michael Venyah preached to the campus all last week. His news made some people angry, I guess because those people had been previously told they weren’t going to hell.
In my mind, there are several hierarchies that I use to classify types of people. One of them is specifically reserved for condemnation, and it is very simple. The way it works is if someone is below you, then you think he is going to hell. If someone is above you, then you think he has good intentions but is either misinformed or crazy. The important thing to remember is that everyone has a place on this hierarchy. Michael Venyah just happens to sit near the top.
So as you can see, it was a very eventful 18 days between Reflector publications. Even if you weren’t here to experience it, at least now you can say that you’re in the know.