Q: I was in a relationship with a guy for more than a year when I found out he had cheated on me. I broke it off with him right then. It’s been almost five months since I’ve talked with my ex. I’ve forgiven him for what he did but still haven’t forgotten. Now over the past few weeks he’s been trying to get back together with me. At first I was disgusted by the idea, but I know that I never stopped loving him. If (and it’s a big if) I decided to give him another shot, what could I do to make sure this didn’t happen again?
A: Do you really think you’re asking the right question? If you’re having to ask how to prevent a guy from cheating on you, it sounds like this guy isn’t even eligible for a one-nighter.
Granted, I don’t know some of the details. But take a minute and think. Why has it taken this long for him to come back to you? Was he with someone else? Why do you think he’s coming back?
If I had to guess, I would say these renewed efforts for reconciliation are the result of him running out of options for companionship. While you may think of it as him coming to his senses, in reality, it is likely that you are simply his last resort.
Consider the possible repercussions should you decide to get back together. During every heated argument, whether you say it or not, you will be tempted to remind him that he was the one who couldn’t keep his pants on. Unless you are capable of erasing memories, his indiscretion will constantly nag you from within.
You may have forgiven him, but your trust in him may never be rebuilt. From the wording of your question, you sound doubtful of his integrity, and I don’t think anybody can blame you. As far as making sure it doesn’t happen again, there’s little to nothing you can do. You could play the extremely possessive, paranoid girlfriend, which will only cause friction in the relationship and has a good possibility of hurting your chances with any guy who might witness or hear about this behavior. And at this point, you should be more concerned about your chances with other guys.
If you choose to accept him back into your life, just don’t miss this chance to establish yourself as a strong individual. Before resuming the relationship, make it known to him that you don’t belong to him, and that you require his respect. This is probably the best approach to prevent further infidelity. At this point, he is probably laying the sweet-talking on pretty thick, so remember that actions should speak louder than words. Let him know that you can’t be taken for granted, and he will have to work to keep you.
If you decide to keep your options open and look for someone with more integrity, I think it will pay off in the long run. You say you still love him, but it may be that you are simply focusing on the happier memories. Instead, focus on the fact that you will likely always be left wondering about him. Wouldn’t it be better to start over with someone else than to perpetually be in doubt about your boyfriend’s whereabouts when he isn’t with you? Why would you let him back in? I hope it’s a big if.
Barry Kirsch is a senior chemical engineering major. He can be reached at [email protected].