Alas, my friends, the time has come for me to bid you all a fond farewell. Shakespeare said that “parting is such sweet sorrow.” In this case, parting is more like leaving the friday night all-you-can eat seafood buffet at Barnhill’s-you ate good, but you know that if you have one more plate, you’ll be so stuffed you’ll be miserable.
I’ve had fun these three years and I hope you have as well. I had thought I would do something classy and inspirational for you all since this is my last piece. But then, I figured anybody can do classy and inspirational, and I try not to be “anybody.”
An opportunity has presented itself to me that I cannot refuse, and so I must take my leave of you. What is this mysterious new opportunity, you ask? Well, after much deliberation and reviewing of the leading candidates, I have decided to announce my intention to run for governor.
A new day is dawning. A new Mississippi is on the horizon. Are there any other meaningless cliches that I’m leaving out? Oh yeah, do it for the children.
As your next governor, I plan to take this state in a radical new direction. Face it-every once in a while, you have to clean out the fridge. As the great Kurt Vonnegut said in the book Breakfast of Champions, “let others bring order to chaos, I will bring chaos to order.”
My first act will be to abolish the legislature and replace it with a bunch of rodeo clowns. That way, if I have any legislation that I want to pass, I can just turn a bull loose in the capitol. Besides, we have a bunch of clowns there now. They just don’t wear makeup.
The state flag will be changed to incorporate a picture of an upraised middle finger. I figure, if we are bound and determined to have a flag that offends people why don’t we shoot for offending everybody? As my father once said, “If you’re going to do it half way, just don’t bother.”
In addition, other state symbols will be changed as well. The state coat of arms will be made of actual arms. The state motto will be changed from “By Virtue and Arms” to “Quake With Fear You Tiny Fools.” The state language will go from English to Klingon. The state dance (yes, such a thing exists) will go from the square dance to the Electric Slide.
The state fossil will change from the pre-historic whale to Strom Thurmond. The state toy will be changed from the teddy bear to Rock ’em Sock ’em Robots.
We have an official state land animal and official state fish. What we do not have is an official state rodent. I think Ronnie Musgrove will make the perfect state rodent. Every time I see his picture, I want to hide my chickens. Finally, the state song will change from “Go Mississippi” to “Mama Kin” by Aerosmith.
Under my administration, there will be forced sterilization of anyone who uses the following phrases:
“The civil rights movement was a communist conspiracy.”
“I wonder when they’ll come out with the sequel to (fill in the blank).”
“We gave 110 percent out there.”
“I think Michael Bolton is a musical genius.”
“Weapons of Mass Destruction.”
“I’m no history major, but…”
“John Ashcroft should run for president.”
“Why eat a hamburger when you can have a veggie burger?”
“Not guilty by reason of temoporary insanity.”
“Do you want to make more money? Sure, we all do.”
“Are you satisfied with your long distance service?”
“Al Gore should really reconsider running in 2004.”
“Heritage not hate.”
Thrashing people who blame music, movies or video games for “the problem with kids today” will be mandatory. Thrashing anyone who wakes you up on Saturday morning to sell you something will also be mandatory. Thrashing anyone for any reason will be mandatory during the “15 minutes of hate.” This is an idea that I borrowed from George Orwell as a way to relieve the stess and societal pressure that occasionally builds up and minfests itself in the form of wars, riots and increased sales of Marylin Manson CD’s. We have little violence now to avoid big violence later.
Hippies will be kept in a zoo, or some sort of fenced-in oudoor nature preserve. It’ll be great for them and everyone else. They can commune with nature and be at one with mother earth and whatever else hippies do in the woods and we won’t have to be around them all the time.
If you want to see them, admission will be $5 for adults, $3 for children under 12. Giving or accepting flowers will not be permitted. Teasing them with Funyuns will also be prohibited.
There will be a statewide day of amnesty where all married men will be exempt from punishment for anything they say to or in the presence of their wives. It’ll be the one day you can say things that would normally result in a trip to the doghouse, a kick to the crotch, or a belly-to-back suplex followed by a jack-knife power bomb on to the kitchen floor (don’t ask). This day will be a yearly event.
A statewide holiday will be established to honor Chick-Fil-A founder and CEO Truett Cathy. It is high time that we honor the man who invented the best chicken sandwich that the world has ever known. I’m not just saying this with the hope of getting patronage from this wonderful establishment.
So remember, when you go to the polls in November, vote for me, your progressive/conservative candidate. A real leader, who’ll do whatever he’s told. They guy who will always do the right thing as long as it is also the popular thing. A work-a-holic leader who will side step all the issues that require me to think too much or use a lot of big words. A “hands-on” governor who will frequently have his hands on the TV remote.
I look forward to this new challenge with all the enthusiasm that I looked forware to this job so many smesters ago. Thank you, and God Bless America.
Tony Odom is a graduate student in the history department.