Watching television is a despicable thing to do. If you watch any television, you are essentially taking a spatula and slapping yourself in the face.
Before I share with you how to not be stupid or sinful, perhaps you’re wondering, “What is wrong with a little television?” I’m here to tell you that a little television is a whole lot of trouble. Television is like an undersexed snake, ready to strike at your crotch.
First, television kills everyone. I swear to you that if we didn’t have violence on television, nobody would kill anyone else. That’s why we have school shootings. White kids watch “Gunsmoke” and think, “Maybe I can be Marshal Matt Dillon.” Then they just walk to school to kill people because the television has brainwashed them to think they live in the Old West. Just think, what if Adolf Hitler hadn’t seen too many gory episodes of “The X-Files?” Man, what a bummer.
Second, television makes everyone have sex. I swear to you that if we didn’t have sex or revealing clothing on television, nobody would have sex. Before people watched television, they didn’t know that you can have sex. They just jumped rope. But then, whammo, somebody watches “Desperate Housewives” or a music video with women in bikinis, and then everyone starts having sex with each other.
Third, television makes everyone talk dirty. I swear to you that if we didn’t have profanity on television, nobody would use insulting language. That’s why Job’s wife wanted him to curse God in the Bible. Job’s wife had just watched “The Sopranos,” and she heard way too many “f” words. I wish Moses wouldn’t have invented the television screen.
Finally, television makes everyone take drugs. I swear to you that if we didn’t have weed, alcohol and tobacco on television, nobody would be high, drunk or-God forbid-relaxed. Just the other day I talked to an old man who was smoking a cigarette. He told me that he started smoking after he saw a cop on “NYPD Blue” take a few drags. He said, “I saw the guy smoking on television, and my body involuntarily threw me into my car so I could buy some cigarettes at a gas station 30 miles away.” I told him that he had an impressive story.
Overall, television can be powerful-and dangerous. Impound those boxes of wicked brutality and copulation. I just hope it isn’t too late. Hopefully, you haven’t watched a murder mystery lately. You might be in jail while reading this.
Editor’s Note: This article is satirical in nature.