Folks, it is that time of year again. Slowly but surely, all across the country, candidates for the 2020 Democratic nomination for president (and also Howard Schultz) are crawling out of the woodwork and making their way to the home place of American democracy: Iowa.
Who you choose to support will vary on what you want to happen. Some people want four more years of President Donald Trump; some would prefer a moderate to lead the country; others will riot if the U.S. is not a socialist paradise by 2024. Fear not, gentle reader. I have conducted a thorough, unscientific analysis of the field, and I can tell you who to back based on your desire.
If you just want a sane moderate
If former Vice President Joe Biden decides to run, he is the candidate to beat. He enjoys massive popularity throughout the country and widespread name recognition. If Biden fails to please you, Senator Amy Klobuchar (D-MN) is trying to build support. Unfortunately for her, multiple news sources, including Matt Flegenheimer and Sydney Ember of The New York Times, have recently published exposés detailing her harsh treatment of subordinates. Biden has thus far avoided any imbroglios, so he is the safer choice.
If you want a far-left liberal
No one knows for sure what would have happened it Senator Bernie Sanders (D-VT) had won the Democratic primary in 2016. According to Alexandra Hutzler of Newsweek, a variety of polls say he would have triumphed over Trump. Sanders has absolutely crushed the competition in terms of raising funds, and he has been the standard-bearer for democratic socialism for a long time. 2020 could finally be his moment.
Senator Elizabeth Warren (D-MA) is also running, but she has no shot. Years of claiming to be Native American have finally backfired on her in spectacular fashion, culminating in a private apology to the Cherokee Nation. Trump will have a field day if she actually wins the nomination. Expect her to drop out after she falls flat on Super Tuesday, if not before.
Finally, there is Senator Kirsten Gillibrand (D-NY), who said she would not run for president, but now is. Her previous flip-flopping will kill any chance she has.
If you want a chance at being First Lady
It has been a little over a 150 years since America last had a bachelor in the White House, an incompetent failure named James Buchanan. But hope springs eternal for all you single ladies out there: Senator Cory Booker (D-NJ). He says he has a girlfriend, but there is no ring on his finger yet. In terms of actual policy, he currently sticks pretty closely to the party line, but this was not always the case. Booker worked with current Secretary of Education Betsy Devos on school choice in the past. However, he has since shifted his stance and voted against her nomination, as stated by Jonathan D. Salant of NJ.com.
If you are a Trump fan who wants to vote in the Democratic primary for a candidate who will ultimately lose
You sly dog, you! Do not worry, there are plenty of great options. First we have Senator Kamala Harris (D-CA), who Vegas currently favors. Even ignoring her controversial role as an attorney general in California (notably marked by her support of arresting the parents of truant children), much of her staff worked on Hillary Clinton’s doomed campaign. This does not bode well for her. Beto O’Rourke, a former Congressman from Texas, is toying with a run. Maybe America will rally around a convicted drunk driver who blogs about cobbler. Personally, I find it unlikely.
