There’s only one way to effectively combat sexual disease and unwanted pregnancies (well, they’re all unwanted to some extent). This plan requires two seemingly contradictory ideas that, in fact, complement each other: abstinence until marriage and pornographic videos.First, before sharing this sure-fire way to win, something should be said about the liberals who believe in contraception and sneer at abstinence before marriage: They’re losers.
About a year ago I had the opportunity to visit such a liberal. His name was Do Anything. And honestly, he seemed so stupid that it scared me. His Californian hair hung well below his shoulders, and he enjoyed the music of The Cure, possibly the biggest fiasco in the history of organized sound. You might argue, “Well, don’t you have long hair?” Of course I do. Somebody has to play Jesus in this futile society.
But back on track. This liberal-anarchistic-fascistic communist revealed that he enjoyed playing the greatest football video game ever conceived, “Super Tecmo Bowl” on the Nintendo Entertainment System. Having been an avid “Tecmo” freakazoid for a while, I challenged him to a match of guesswork and button mashing.
Suffice to say, I was not impressed with Do Anything’s game. For one thing, he chose the Seattle Seahawks, a team that the discriminatory NES doesn’t favor in any way. There wasn’t much he could do against my Bo Jackson of the Oakland Raiders. The final score was 63-3, only because I was merciful.
So the moral of the story is that if you tout condoms and contraceptives as the legitimate forms of sexual protection, your children will have poor hand-eye coordination.
Indeed, to guarantee the avoidance of warts and toddlers (and various combinations of the two), one must restrain sexual activity completely until marriage.
Of course, some liberals, upon hearing this clear logic, start complaining and begin to recycle lots of cans. But their frustration is warranted in a sense: It’s impossible for a person to have a philosophical mind about sexual activity. In other words, we can say abstinence until marriage is the safest route, but we don’t have the fortitude to make it work. That’s where full-fledged pornographic videos come in.
Many of you may believe my idea is perverted. On the contrary, this plan disregards the lechery of watching pornographic videos for pleasure.
That is, to keep everyone’s sexual appetite in check until marriage, I propose that possible victims of sexuality should be encouraged to critique pornographic videos in a professional manner. This means that reviewers will carefully analyze the acting, dialogue, plot, cinematography and special effects of pornographic videos.
One might say, “What rewards will these reviewers receive in order for the voluntary continuation of their efforts?” Publications made mandatory by government legislation. Because newspapers, mainstream magazines and academic journals may refuse to print these critiques on groundless arguments of good taste, the government will require these publications to print the reviews. Therefore, the sexually vulnerable masses will have incentives to continue writing these scholarly papers.
A positive side effect will also result from this scientifically valid model. Since pornographic videos will be viewed with more of a critical eye by both reviewers and the general public, the actors, directors, screenwriters and crews of these films will strive to mold more aesthetically and philosophically pleasing motion pictures.
Perhaps a few months after the implementation of this plan, we will see the characters of these stories question their actions more, get married and have stimulating conversations about politics, religion and the economy. The films could also utilize familiar literary devices, such as foreshadowing, parallelism, juxtaposition, symbolism, irony, epigrams and allusions. Maybe a few risk-taking directors will decide to shoot half a scene in black and white or create fully rendered CGI backgrounds. The possibilities are promising and should bring about a Renaissance of sorts.
Regardless of these beneficial developments, I forecast that this plan will reduce unwanted pregnancies and sexual disease by at least 85 percent, if not more, within the first two years of its implementation. Write your senators, tell your friends and, more importantly, call adult film stars. The only drawback to this plan is that people might become too “goody-two-shoes.” Now it’s your turn to decide if this cost outweighs a better society.