A new semester brings with it the promise of excitement and change. Predictions are made every year as hopefuls try to foresee what fate has in store for them. Such anticipations sometimes turn out remarkably accurate but are usually proven to carry no weight. Nevertheless, I have compiled a list of modest predictions for the semester to come.
1. The NCAA, in cooperation with the Starkville Police Department, rule that distribution or possession of cowbells is punishable by imprisonment. After a thorough investigation, the NCAA concludes that Mario Austin is guilty of possession and ineligible to play, only hours before MSU’s matchup in the Final Four.
2. Suttle Hall is featured in Time magazine for being awarded the publication’s first annual “Eyesore of the World” award. Hamlin Hall gets an honorable mention because, thankfully, it isn’t quite as big as Suttle.
3. Popular Starkville band U.S is discovered by national talent scouts and signs a multi-million dollar contract with a major record label. Rick’s, after losing its star performers, is forced to close its doors.
4. Rumors of Jackie Sherrill’s resignation are finally proven true. After resignation, U.S. intelligence implants Sherrill as an officer in the North Korean military to ensure the United States of victory in the event of conflict.
5. The Starkville Board of Aldermen and Mayor Mack Rutledge propose and pass an ordinance allowing vendors to sell cold beer seven days a week without time restrictions. The ordinance is quickly repealed after temperatures begin dropping rapidly in hell.
6. Under increased scrutiny from the newly-created Department of Homeland Security, the Hunter Henry Center is discovered to be not an alumni center at all, but an outpost on Earth for a futuristic race from a distant galaxy.
7. The Hunt Club expands to many times its former size and annexes several fast food restaurants and a grocery store. After running out of names, the Hunt Club begins titling its additions The Camp House II, Coyote Concert Hall II, etc.
8. Construction of a new communication building begins after a student is reported missing, only to emerge from McComas Hall several weeks later.
The student explained her survival, “There were plenty of water fountains, and I satisfied my hunger with dry-erase markers. I just couldn’t manage to find my way out. That place is like a maze.”
9. Since Campus Crusade for Christ achieves complete success on the MSU campus, the organization organizes the Ninth Crusade and heads to Jerusalem to regain the Holy Land.
10. A monument to Trent Lott is erected on the Drill Field to thank him for being an alumnus of Ole Miss-and not MSU.
Josh Foreman is a junior communication major.