This week, American troops occupied a couple of Saddam Hussein’s Baghdad palaces. There were jokes about all of them getting to shower in a gold-plated bathroom. Heck, I think they should use the shower, raid the fridge and rent a few hundred pay per view movies. They’ve earned it.
But then, I thought they should go farther. Maybe they should throw a party for the people of Iraq. I mean, these poor folks have been Saddam-ized for way too long. I’m not talking about throwing some snooty little wine-and-cheese country club formal, mind you, but a par-TAY. A real decadent, Reagan-era barn-burner. A “parents are away in Vermont for the weekend” roof-raiser. A “Sixteen Candles” meets “Can’t Hardly Wait” historical event. The kind of party where everybody just sleeps where they fall. The kind of party where there’s a good chance somebody will walk home naked. A party the likes of which have not been seen in Iraq since the Babylonians were running things.
But who else should be invited? In addition to the British and the Australians, you’d have to invite the Kuwaitis. After all, the last time Saddam was in Kuwait, he came uninvited, Kuwait had to call the cops to get him to leave, and he left a titanic mess. So I think that the Kuwaitis have earned the right to come over to Saddam’s house, pilfer through his comic books, and ride a Harley-Davidson up the stairwell like D-Day did in “Animal House.”
I also think that the Iranians should be invited. I know- they don’t like us and we don’t like them, but this could be just the chance we need to show them that we’re not so bad.
Face it, the Iranians have taken a lot of crap from Saddam. He invaded in 1979, killed thousands of their people, and used chemical weapons on them. I feel certain that Iran has earned the right to come over to Saddam’s, vomit in the fish tank and poop in the birdbath.
We’d also need to invite Syria, Jordan, Turkey and Saudi Arabia. They’re a bunch of squares, but if we don’t invite them, the first time we turn the music up, they’ll be calling to complain. You know how neighbors can be.
I think an invitation should also be extended to Brazil. Why Brazil? I’ve seen video of that “Carnaval” they have in Rio and it makes Bourbon Street during Mardi Gras look like an ice cream social. I don’t know much about the Brazilians, but from what I’ve seen, they know how to party. And face it- Iraq needs a party.
So who should not be invited? The Russians. Russia’s had bad luck with parties in the past. In fact, they haven’t had a party in Russia since 1991, and it was a communist party. Talk about your major let-downs.
Plus, I understand that Vladimir Putin is real sensitive about his name. I don’t want an international incident to be sparked by somebody saying, “Shew! It stinks! Somebody in here must be Putin!” You know it would happen at some point.
Another country on the “do not invite” list should be North Korea. I don’t think I have to explain that one in detail. You know the guy nobody likes or invites, but who always manages to show up and then goes around at the party trying to pick a fight with someone? That guy is North Korea. So scratch them off the list.
We should not invite France either. I know I said in the past that we should lay off the “freedom fries” nonsense, and I still feel that it makes us look dumb, but face it-if the situation were reversed, they wouldn’t invite us. Germany gets a snub as well. Same reason.
Don’t invite Sweden either. I’ve never forgiven them for infecting us with Abba and Ace of Base.
I think that the news network al-Jazeera should not be invited. You know the people who always come to the party just because their boyfriend or girlfriend was invited and they actually hate everybody there but try not to show it? That’s al-Jazeera.
Tony Odom is a graduate student in the history department.