The pro-gun crowd is a bunch of weenies. There, I said it. It wasn’t easy, but I have to admit that I feel better. How can that group say they are for the Second Amendment when all they want to do is protect my right to have firearms? Doesn’t the Second Amendment say “Keep and bear arms?” Since when are “arms” limited to firearms? What about the important stuff-the stuff people might actually need?
Think about it, the Axis of Evil high command is probably sitting around right now trying to concoct a scheme to put a division of tanks in my front yard! How am I supposed to protect my home and hearth from armored vehicles when the National Rifle Association is worried about people having piddling little assault rifles and armor-piercing bullets?
What about my Second Amendment right to land mines? Anti-tank missiles? A-10 “Warthog” attack planes? It’s down-right un-American and probably part of some “communist” conspiracy! What about nukes? Al-Quaida probably has representatives as we speak sitting around in a cave somewhere putting the finishing touches on a rocket booster that will enable them to park a thermonuclear warhead right on top of my tool shed! How can I protect myself and family from a “nu-key-ler” attack unless I have first-strike capability?
Why isn’t the NRA demanding that Congress enact legislation to do away with this Nazified notion of nuclear arms control? Besides, can you think of a better crime deterrent? Break in my house, and it’s nuclear winter for everybody! Woo-Hoo!
I know that there’s the whole “well-regulated militia” statement in the Second Amendment along with the “keep and bear arms” thing, but that doesn’t mean anything. When the founders said “well-regulated,” they didn’t really mean it, but why stop at obliterating arms regulation? There are so many other repressive regulations and restrictions out there!
The so-called fiscal conservatives calling for decreased regulations are all gutless! Protect our freedom and get rid of them all! Take, for example, the regulation about only being allowed to sell government-inspected meat. If I want to sell salmonella-laced pork or E. coli-infected beef, then that’s my right as an American! And if I want to sell unsafe products like my proposed “concealed tetanus injector” line of baby toys, I should be able to do so without some water-cooler dictator blithering on about public safety!
I know that Congress has the constitutional right to regulate commerce and all, at least according to Article 1 of the Constitution, but that was probably put in there by some time-traveling historical revisionists, who went back and changed it! They’re probably also Marxist. The Founding Fathers meant for us to have laissez-faire capitalism where there are no restraints on business ventures, like selling unsafe products to an unsuspecting public!
Then there are these oppressive and intrusive driving laws. Dog-gone it, if I want to drive without my glasses at night on the lefthand side of the road with no headlights while drunk as a skunk, I should be able to! I shouldn’t have to prove to the government that I know anything about traffic safety and the rules of the road. I shouldn’t have to demonstrate to a law enforcement official that I am a competent driver. To combat dangerous drivers, all you have to do is ease the arms control laws to allow people to mount guided missiles and rapid-fire cannons on their cars. Then, the problem would take care of itself! Throw out the safety regulations pertaining to the building of roads and even fewer incompetent drivers would be out there! There would be no need for any of this crazy licensing business.
Yes, friends, we don’t know how oppressed we are. Did you know that there are government agents on this campus and in this town? Why just the other day, some jack-booted government thug drove up to my house and delivered a package to me! Oh sure, they may call it the “Postal Service” but what is it really? We must suspend logic and sanity and assume the worst: this is the first wave of the grand takeover plan! They find out where we live by bringing us our mail, then strike when we least expect! That’s probably how the Chinese Army is going to find my house so they can park their tanks in my front yard!