Cellular
Rogue Pictures
Starring: Kim Basinger, Chris Evans, William H. Macy, jason Statham and Noah Emmerich
The Verdict: “Cellular” is a waste of your minutes.
Movie L 1 1/2 stars
As you watch the fast-paced “Cellular,” don’t be surprised if you end up text messaging your friends after the first half hour.
Jessica (Kim Basinger) accompanies her son to the school bus. When she arrives at her mansion, kidnappers raid the house, killing the maid and abducting Jessica. Afterwards, the kidnappers leave her in an unrecognizable attic with a telephone (yeah, brilliant criminals and unique attic). Luckily for the bad guys, their despicable leader (Jason Statham) smashes the phone with a sledgehammer, and all seems lost for Jessica.
But Jessica plays with the wires and manages to contact the good Samaritan Ryan (Chris Evans). She tells him the story, and he believes her. Now, it’s Ryan to the rescue.
Yeah, right.
Fortunately, “Cellular” races through each scene; if the film ran any longer, it would undeniably cause any viewer a psychotic episode. This feature belongs in the hierarchy of incongruity and dumbness.
Where to start? Perhaps the car chase scene. This film actually achieves boring wrecks. At one point, Ryan drives toward an onslaught of traffic, narrowly dodging swerving cars, and his car never grazes another vehicle. Despite the impossibility of the scene, heart rates and breathing will remain normal.
Basically, this is the thrilling, recurring plot twist: Jessica and Ryan talk on the phone; a bad guy approaches the attic door; Jessica freaks out and hides the rigged phone; the villain questions the woman about her husband; Jessica screams (Basinger screamed better in “Batman”) and Ryan sits there and looks distressed.
Enamoring.
In addition to this incompetent suspense, the screenwriters sprinkle “humor” amid the stale action. For instance, Jessica’s son is named Ricky Martin, and when she informs Ryan about the name, he becomes flabbergasted and inquires why she picked the name of a pop star for her progeny. As this joke unfolded, I thought a few people might laugh if they smoked crack beforehand, but doubt clouded this theory.
Sadly, the acting sags. Basinger whines with the best of them, but we’ve seen her cry enough in other films. Of course, blame does not rest with her solely, for the quick pacing never gives her the chance to develop the character.
Even worse, Chris Evans ranks as the most incredulous hero of the past decade. He exaggerates his emotions and language and has no screen presence whatsoever. Van Damme holds more complexity than this one-dimensional fluke.
And give it a rest, Jason Statham. No one cares about your poor Michael Ironside impersonation. Statham bumbles through every scene with a tough poker face, never displaying a lick of personality or effort.
Shamefully, the sly Noel Emmerich and dependable William H. Macy are wasted in “Cellular.” Although their performances will not evoke any profound wonder, at least they make this flaccid thriller less suicide-inducing.
Director David R. Ellis (“Final Destination 2”) continues his decadent string of films by focusing on nonsense. Sure, the flick moves like Quicksilver, yet many scenes should have been deleted, for they have no relevance or entertainment value. “Cellular” never offers exciting direction. Did Ellis just sit in the chair and instruct the actors to dully recite lines? Apparently, I’m asking for too much since Ellis’ greatest achievement remains “Homeward Bound 2: Lost in San Francisco.”
By the way, if the aforementioned factors do not inspire avoidance of this futile trash, Dat Phan appears in a “comical” bit, which is the only funny thing about “Cellular.”
Word of advice: do not put your cell on silent during this film. Answer the phone and tell friends about the ghastly horror on the screen. Better to waste extra minutes on the phone than on this implausible smear of celluloid.