Q: I need my girl back. I screwed up, and I guess I took her for granted. I ended up making out with some girl in the car next to me at Sonic while spiking our fruit slushes. I don’t know how to convince my girl to take me back. I’m obviously desperate, but maybe you can offer me some idea of something to do.
A: Your situation is really not that unique, except for the little car ride you went on with the car in park. You screwed up. Your girlfriend found out. You realized the error of your ways, and now you seek to right the wrong. Considering the severity of your wrongdoing, the typical sappy overrated methods of apology aren’t likely to be effective here. Sending her flowers, making her an “I’m Sorry” mix tape complete with Ruben Studdard and leaving distraught voicemails probably won’t cut it. Those things might help a little, but you’re going to have to convince her that she can spin your wheels just like your slush doctor did.
Remember John Cusack from “Say Anything”? OK, now forget him and that iconic boom box gesture of his. You saw it didn’t work for him, so don’t kid yourself because it’s safe to say you don’t possess the appeal of Mr. Cusack. Your ex knows you had a good time, and she doesn’t want to feel inferior to the drive-thru girl. Your objective is to convince your ex that she is even more exciting than some strange girl. Write her a sincere, heartfelt letter.
Yes, it’s desperate. Yes, there’s a good chance she won’t even make it all the way through the letter without torching it to ashes. But if that happens, she was already gone for good, and any last ditch effort would have been futile.
I’d prepare yourself for that kind of response. I don’t think there’s any going back this time. But I offer you this consolation: ask yourself if your ex ever played tongue hockey with you while tripping on the neon restaurant lights. Yes, I’m suggesting you pursue the obvious option if your ex’s heart remains cold. Open the door to a future with much more potential for wildness and adventure. With the slush doctoring incident in mind, imagine the possibilities in the back row of the movie theatre. Finally, convince yourself that if your ex won’t look back, then you don’t need to, either.
Barry Kirsch is a senior chemical engineer major. He can receive your relationship questions at [email protected].