Jed Pressgrove is a graduate student in sociology. He can be contacted at [email protected].The Associated Press has set a stupendous example for current and future journalists with its recent Britney Spears article.
Two nights ago, MTV broadcasted another pointless awards show with Spears opening the affair. Thank God we have The Associated Press around to tell us how much all of this sucked.
This article – this uncompromising purveyor of truth – begins with powerful imagery: “As in most train wrecks…”
While reading this I thought, “Perhaps one day I could use such an under-appreciated metaphor to lead an article for a major news provider like The AP.”
One can only surmise that the author must have personally watched numerous train wrecks in order to register this descriptive punch to the throat.
But a lone critical metaphor would not do. And this AP writer knows that.
Therefore, specific instances of embarrassing activity are reported.
According to The AP, “out-of-sync lip-synching” was a weakness of Spears’ performance.
Initially, you may become confused and reason that no musical artist would consider lip-synching in the first place. Once you overcome this confounding sentiment, you realize out-of-sync lip-synching is a “moderate” to “pretty big” deal.
“Lethargic movements that seemed choreographed by a dance instructor for a nursing home” proved to be another problem in the performance.
In theory, I thought nursing home recreation was limited to advanced glassblowing and Bible drill competitions.
The AP, however, sets the record straight as an arrow to the heart of a lonely owner: nursing homes have dance instructors.
Moreover, dancing matters when you’re making music. That’s why The Beatles and Miles Davis cause me to puke. They never learned how to move those toes and hips.
“The paunch in place of Spears’ once-taut belly” deeply troubled me, for the “paunch” brought to mind a troubling possibility.
What if Les Claypool of Primus gained a couple of pounds?
Would he still be able to slap his bass like a master? Probably not.
No wonder I didn’t care about Pavarotti’s death. Too paunchy for my taste.
After reading this critique, one would worry that MTV’s award show didn’t go too well. Yet The AP ignores this speculation and informs us that the show changed for the better.
According to the article, “some watercooler drama” helped improve the program, which gives me hope in general, because yesterday I experienced watercooler drama firsthand and was wondering if anyone could relate.
Early Monday morning, I needed a quick swallow of water. But when I grabbed a cup and pressed down the watercooler switch, no water dripped out. I realized the watercooler had no water supply and found myself experiencing quite a bit of watercooler drama.
The AP article concludes with a smidgen of news that I found to be extremely helpful.
MTV, also known as the “giving network,” has “promised” to have more award-show footage online and remixes of the original show.
As the final line of the article correctly states, “Unlike in recent years, there was plenty reason to come back for more.