Mississippi State should change its mascot and stop embarrassing all of its students.
According to psychologist Stanley Coren, the bulldog is one of the dumbest dogs alive. Many of you may say, “Well, just because our mascot’s stupid doesn’t mean we’re stupid.” However, if you would read your Bible a little more, you would know you’re wrong.
Another reason to rid our university of the bulldog is the image. The animal we have haphazardly adopted is uglier than a human baby.
Some of you justify this horrid joke of nature by saying, “Well, the bulldog is so ugly that he’s cute.” Well, if you’re going to make extreme statements like that-therefore, aligning yourself with North Korea-you might as well say Hitler was so racist that he was tolerant. Also, check out this writer named Moses. I believe his latest book is Deuteronomy.
I will suggest four new mascots, hoping that you will band with fellow students and change this atrocity.
Pelicans
Obviously, the pelican is a graceful and intelligent creature that oozes style and supports cool bands like Dream Theater (not Sister Hazel, Big Daddy Weave and almost any band at every Bulldog Bash). Pelicans also appreciate films like “Seven” and abhor unoriginal corporate products like “The 40 Year Old Virgin.”
The next thing we should establish-for credibility’s sake-is which mascot would be the better fisher. Sorry, the pelican wins this round, too.
Lastly, bulldogs don’t perform too many activities, mainly urination and defecation, perhaps a combination of the two if you feed them marbles. The pelican, on the other hand, doesn’t excrete anything. Contrary to bogus science, the pelican doesn’t even lay eggs. Adult pelicans just appear when they get ready. How do I know this? Because I read The Economist.
Zebras
I think I read one time that a zebra can knock out the teeth of a lion with a well-placed kick.
Crack Smokers
Before we all die, we will undoubtedly suffer hardships. Perhaps we’ll have to watch “Friends” or listen to John Mayer. There’s only one person we can count on: the ever babbling crack user.
During those sleepless nights, you can always talk to a crack smoker. You might have to buy a couple of worn shoes, but you don’t have to be judged.
That should be everyone’s goal: not to judge or refuse to talk to people. Crack smokers should be our heroes. Otherwise, we’re following in the footsteps of various MSU leaders who don’t care whether extra costs make it harder for students to get by.
At the very least, our mascot being a crack smoker will provide a sharp contrast to our upstanding, responsible, unreasonably intellectual and mature football players.
Conan
Unlike clueless voters, Conan wouldn’t try to knock politicians out of office by the rigged “democratic” system. He would kill senators for supporting video game censorship and demolish the White House with his forehead. Afterward, he would eat plastic and play with matches at gas stations.
That’s the image we need in a mascot-a barbarian who forces sorceresses to go on dates, kicks children for visiting campus and thinks atheism is stupid while telling his own god to “go to hell.” You can’t get much more cultured or classy than that, unless you raise tuition over and over again while muttering indecipherable piffle like “Education is important. Especially when poor people can’t afford it!”
If only Gloria Steinem offered insight like me.