Starkville is a charming town, but it has many fatal flaws. And I’m the guy with all the answers because I can write petitions and rile up fake sentiment.
Specifically, I know of at least three gargantuan problems that will eradicate our town if we don’t stop them. We have to be brave. We should adopt my ideas to improve Starkville for everyone.
Pedestrians
This city is dangerous. Just the other day I counted about 300 people driving automobiles. What is everyone thinking? There are people walking around. It’s not their responsibility to stay out of the road.
There’s only one way we can solve this problem: slash lots of tires. I guarantee if you take out the rubber, people will be less apt to cruise at 25 mph. Serves them right, too. In this modern age, no one has an excuse for buying a car or truck. We don’t need automobiles until we implement the “schedule” into our society. And that’s a long way off, folks.
Smoking
If we lived in a better, fairer world, we could allow smoking in privately owned restaurants and bars. Unfortunately, these institutions use tractor beams similar to those of the Death Star from “Star Wars.” In my mind, I know I can choose where I go. But tractor beams just ruin everything.
Therefore, a smoking ban is the only way we can solve this problem. I suppose we could ban tractor beams, yet it’s more important to ignore the property rights of American citizens addressed by the Constitution than to execute logic at this point. And remember, Hitler nearly took over the world. So could we.
Also, it would be really cool and exciting if we could line up children at a public meeting to support the ban. I love exploiting children for the good of an argument.
Justice Complex Location
Location is everything. Whether the building accomplishes its purpose is beside the point: where will it be?
I suggest we build the Justice Complex in the sky. The sky is the best location because it’s just right there. I mean, have you ever walked outside and said, “Man, I wish I could catch some of that sky this morning.” No, you don’t. We could see justice every day.
But wait, I changed my mind. Maybe we should build it on the highway. Or no, perhaps we could build it on some land right outside of town. Whoa, I just thought of something. It could be underground. You could pound a gavel and create echoes. I love stalling an issue with personal bias.
Take these suggestions to heart, study them, put them on your calendar, write them in the Bible, stamp them on your right hand and print them on colored paper. Starkville will fall apart if we don’t vandalize car tires, take away property rights (with the most objective research to date) and keep arguing about the location of the Justice Complex.