Summer approaches and unfortunately, there are several things that could turn summer into hell.
You know what I’m referring to. Those irritating things that rank lower than getting staples stuck in your gums. Some of these things are what people do, some are simply words or phrases and some are nitwitted developments or traditions in our culture.
Without further ado, the things that could make summer unbearable:
Computer animated films
Yeah, “Toy Story” was clever. Yet it spawned a plethora of formulaic cartoons. Nearly all of them receive critical and audience praise. Why?
You’re watching the same crap over and over again. With each new computer animated piece of trash, we get the exact idea refurbished into a slightly different atrocity.
This is how it works. The makers of this irredeemable pap follow a method: take some things that are not quite human (toys, animals, super heroes, fish, fairy tale characters, robots, etc.), give them everyday lives and market it to the American serfs of gullibility.
Then guess what? Everyone watches it and laughs!
Please. I’d rather drink a puke slush.
People complaining about sunburn
I don’t understand. If you don’t want your skin to feel like it’s on fire, stop playing in the sun too long.
Have you ever seen a friend during the summer and touched the person on the shoulder? And the person starts whining because his skin is burned?
Hey, child prodigy, stay inside. No one forces you to ski behind your uncle’s run-down motorboat. And even then, if you don’t want people to touch your sensitive baby skin, stay in bed and nurse your horrid wounds because you’re the first person in history to have sunburn.
Reject.
“Weapons of mass destruction”
People are always more damaging than weapons. Therefore, it should come as no surprise that when someone says this putrid phrase, I feel slightly moronic just for hearing it.
Normally, I wouldn’t worry about hearing a phrase. However, thanks to our world’s current state of crappiness and Bush’s willingness to war, this ghastly utterance could resurface in the news during the summer.
Just think about “mass destruction.” Mass is the amount of matter in an object. Thermodynamics says matter cannot be created or destroyed. So mass destruction is impossible!
The phrase covers too many terms. Are they talking about nukes or gases? And what terms do the phrase cover? If you ask me, pinto beans could be destructive to many innocent get-togethers. Depending on the pinto intake, the destruction could be massive.
And have you noticed the media use the abbreviation, WMDs? Why is there an “s” at the end? The “W” in the abbreviation covers the plural word, “weapons.” Aren’t we the newest talent in illiteracy?
Going to the beach
Yes, I know many of you may yell sacrilege, but beaches aren’t that fun.
I could sum up this point in two words: urine-infested water. Yet there are other beach activities that make me want to join a suicidal cult.
Sand castles. I don’t like them. Why should I like something made of sand? If I wanted to see an impressive castle, I would travel to Romania.
Swimming contests. They’re pointless. As long as you’re not drowning, I don’t see any need to prove to anyone you can swim better.
Lastly, riding boats, jet skis, etc. For some reason, moving across the water really fast on a machine stopped entertaining me after I turned 12. Maybe the idiots who shout “faster, faster” turned me off to the idea.
However, more importantly, I could be doing something more beneficial to society: eating hot chips in a recliner. And the best part is that I don’t need a lifejacket.
Independence Day
OK, enough with the fireworks. I don’t want to watch them. I don’t want to help out. Sorry, temporary flashes of multicolored sparks might entertain me if I was tripping on 50 hits of acid.
And I hate special fireworks. You know, the ones that form into cars and guitars? Oh, it’s forming a pattern! Quick, I need my notepad to write a poem. I’m so inspired.
Independence Day also brings a lot of patriotic nonsense. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t mind if someone wants to stand up and be proud of his country. On the other hand, I shouldn’t be criticized for not saying the Pledge of Allegiance every five minutes. I hate to break it to you, but if just saying a pledge makes you a good American, “lack of substance” comes to mind.
The terrible interjection
I pray this particular interjection would disappear. Its popularity has grown lately and shows no sign of letting up.
“Yay!”
Understandably, I know we all want to go back to 1990 and watch “Sesame Street.” Come on, though, do you ever need to say “yay”?
This repugnantly optimistic word sends cringes through my skull. Seriously, I’d rather hear someone say “tubular.” At least the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles were cool at one point.
Furthermore, I realize a substitute for the word might help. But I do not suggest a synonym. Rather, “Nay.”
You see, “nay” never gets attention, and I think it deserves to be said at least 35 times by everyone each day. Just imagine the possibilities.
“My answer is nay!”
“Nay way!”
Or to quote Thor, “I say thee, nay!”
There you have it. Remember, the summer can be a blast, but certain things can destroy the joy. Make a list of the things that could ruin your summer. And if you don’t have a busy summer schedule, you could dwell upon the list and become spiteful.
Hey, it’s something to do.