College football is almost here, and I’m pondering about one thing: why can’t it be more watchable?
I don’t have team or school spirit, and even if our team became the national champion, it still wouldn’t change my feelings.
Why? Because professional football is the only football that amounts to anything.
Honestly, college football is a game riddled with mistakes. Sure, NFL players mess up, but nothing compares to the incessantly undisciplined college contests that people enjoy week after week.
So here are 10 superb reasons why professional football outranks its obviously lower counterpart.
10 The NFL is all about money. I admire a player who signs on a team for several million dollars. People often complain about that. “Professional football players are overpaid.” No, they’re not. It’s supply and demand. How many people can play like Randy Moss or Peyton Manning? Not many. How many people can do carpentry? A lot. Let me put it this way: a successful NFL player could buy me two cars if he was nice. A successful college player could buy me some Big Red if he was nice. Money is more important than these things: the thrill of the game, sportsmanship and proud colleges.
9 Most NFL players don’t take academic tests. People, including myself, who still take tests aren’t accomplishing anything. I want immediate satisfaction and total dedication to football. If you allow tests and family to get in the way, it’s not worth it. Either play football all day long, or find a nice career with a furniture company. Couches need lifting.
8 NFL players appear in more commercials. You can’t be better than someone if you’re not plugged by the media every…30 seconds. Well, 10 seconds. Before I back off from my stance, I want to see an entire college team eating cereal, doing jumping jacks and playing with pandas on television every 10 seconds.
7 It’s called “professional” for a reason. This entails that the others are either mediocre or amateurish. Sorry. You must be professional. You all must drive convertibles and like jazz.
6 The rules in college football are incredibly lame and compromised. When pass interference occurs in a college bout, the penalty is 15 yards, instant first down for the offense. This is a far cry from the coolness of the NFL. If a quarterback had a strong enough arm, a 99-yard penalty could happen for pass interference. In college, if you place one foot in bounds, it’s a complete pass. That sounds like a rule that third graders use. Plus, the overtime in college is monotonous. Sudden death is the best. Sudden death is the toughest. Sudden death is for the league that knows good football.
5 The current team names in the NFL are completely different, but college teams reek of something a little more lethargic. The MSU and Georgia Bulldogs. The LSU and Auburn Tigers. The Kentucky and Arizona Wildcats. This unoriginality is certainly disheartening for these higher institutions of learning. Glad to see we all tried our best to be individuals.
4 I don’t have to waste as much breath when I say “NFL,” rather than “NCAA.” Shorten the abbreviation. Now.
3 The rivalries in college football fall into the category of outmoded and illogical. Why are MSU and Ole Miss bitter enemies? I understand that we play each other every year, but we’re from the same state. Shouldn’t we unite and crush these other teams? People actually loathe one another for liking a team in the same state. For the most part, professional fans hate everyone more equally. That is the American way.
2 In a rarely studied Bible verse, God reveals that professional football is indeed a stopping point on the road to salvation, and that demons will tempt you with college bowl games.
1 NFL players are faster, bigger and smarter. When you watch professional football, a war is being fought. People die from being crushed. Kickers decapitate people with their roundhouses. Linebackers eat each other. When you watch college football, it’s like a slow, muddled opera, with men wearing glasses and looking bored.
To each his own, of course. But this doesn’t change the fact that drinking peroxide and stepping barefoot on heated metal is more stimulating than a college football game.
Consider this viewpoint a touchdown.
Editor’s Note: This article is satirical in nature, meaning that it exaggerates a viewpoint for comical effect.