Conspiracy theories are for dorks and are definitely not meant to be taken seriously. Let us agree on those facts from the outset, lest someone think me cruel.
Still, who among us hasn’t spent a sultry college weekend debating John F. Kennedy’s true killer or whether or not we ever went to the moon until the wee small hours of the morning? Everyone has their own theory, and everyone is convinced they’ve put the correct pieces of some mystical puzzle together to form the perfect solution.
Laugh, sure. You know you’ve done it.
Well on a similar night a few months ago, a former roommate and I concocted the undeniable solution to the recent woes of Bulldog football… catch Osama bin Laden.
That’s right. The most wanted man in all the world is singularly responsible for the downfall of Bulldog football. To restore it, he must be caught.
Confused?
Allow me to offer a timeline.
On Sept. 3, 2001, Mississippi State hosted the Memphis Tigers in a Monday night prime time game and debuted the brand new upper desk on the east side of Davis Wade Stadium. The Bulldogs raked the field with the Tigers, winning 30-10 and appearing to be poised for a fifth straight bowl-eligible season.
The Bulldogs were slated to have another non-conference contest the following week against visiting Brigham Young before beginning Southeastern Conference play the following week with South Carolina.
However, the BYU game would not happen on schedule. America was attacked on Sept. 11, and the nationally-ranked Bulldogs would have to continue their season two weeks later against the Gamecocks.
With emotions running high and patriotism in the air, the Bulldogs battled the Gamecocks to the very end, but fell to Lou Holtz’s less-talented squad in a 14-16 thriller.
The Bulldogs would go on to win only two more games the rest of the season and have not had a winning season since.
Former Bulldog head coach Jackie Sherrill even went so far as to say, “after that South Carolina game, our balloon was popped, and we never could fill it back up.”
So what was to blame for the Bulldogs being ill prepared for Carolina? 9/11. Who was behind 9/11? Osama bin Laden.
The answer to all the woes of Bulldog Nation is right there in plain sight.
A double-secret conspiracy linking the Gamecocks of South Carolina with terror cells off the coast of Myrtle Beach!
So the objective is simple. Find bin Laden and end this five-year nightmare.
Fast forward to 2006. The Gamecocks are making their first return trip to Starkville since 2001. New head coach Sylvester Croom has his troops mentally prepared to take the SEC by storm. New South Carolina coach Steve Spurrier has never beaten Mississippi State in Starkville.
I am not a man who makes many guarantees, but should a certain bearded fugitive be apprehended before Thursday, start making road trip plans for New Year’s Day.