Another MSU Homecoming has come and gone with very little hoopla. If you actually went to the game Saturday, you may have noticed the less-than-stellar attendance, both in the alumni and student sections. Maybe some changes are in order.
According to Mathew’s Dictionary of Americanisms, Homecoming is not a celebration of the football team’s return for a home game. In truth, it is “a reference to special events intended to attract alumni back to the school or home.” Here are some things that could be changed or added to the annual celebration to make it more exciting.
First, we need to make it a true homecoming for players, not just alumni. We could invite former MSU football players to play in the game. And, due to the limited number of roster spots available to these past players, only those who are currently playing in the NFL would be allowed to play. I bet we could beat UAB with a couple of professional linemen, receivers and defensive backs.
Another thing that would make the festivities a little more festive would be to up the stakes of the Homecoming queen elections. Let’s say we elect a queen and a king and they get to rule over the university for the entire week. They could do a lot of good for the students and the university in just one short week.
They could mandate that no tests or homework could be given during the whole week, so we could more fully enjoy the Homecoming events. Maybe they could even outlaw group projects for good, and add an early faculty evaluation to give the professors a chance to improve before the end of the semester.
We should up the ante for the Mr. and Ms. MSU elections, too. Let’s say they have to be married to win. The prize for being the chosen married couple could be free tuition for any and all children produced by Mr. and Mrs. MSU. That would be cool.
Speaking of cool, we should make some changes to the pre-game and halftime regalia at the football game, too. Instead of the State of the Future card stunt, which was a complete flop, there could be a futuristic motorcycle stunt. We could get Evel Knievel or SuperDave Osborne to jump his rocket-powered bike over the band during pre-game. And the Homecoming court could parachute into the stadium at halftime.
Some changes are in order for the Friday night events as well. The parade route should be changed to end up at the amphitheater. It should be led by a live version of the opposing team’s mascot. For instance, we played the Blazers on Saturday, whose mascot is a dragon. We could have a Komodo dragon lead the procession to the amphitheater, where it would have a fight to the death with Bully. Therefore, we should always choose a Homecoming opponent whose mascot Bully could easily beat, even though our football team might not be able to do the same.
Then, after Bully has defeated the dragon, we roast the lizard and serve it up to the hungry Bulldog fans. The pre-parade tailgate party could be moved to afterward to coincide with barbecuing of the beast. The pep rally could directly follow this ritualistic tailgate extravaganza and could include a giant bonfire like at Texas A&M, for roasting the opposing team’s defeated mascot. The only difference is that we would get our nationally acclaimed engineering department to design and build it to make sure it doesn’t crumble.
And the 5K run scheduled for Saturday morning could be set to end at the amphitheater Friday night for one big debaucherous party. Oh, and by the way, the winner of the 5K run would get a chance to return kickoffs for the Bulldogs during the homecoming game Saturday. Maybe fans would stay for the entire game if there was something exciting to watch like a skinny distance runner weaving his or her way through helmet-clad gargantuans en route to the end zone.
Nick Thompson is a senior communication major. He can be reached at [email protected].