Marriage is the ultimate roommate challenge. After two-and-a-half years of wedded bliss, I will tell you a bit of what I have learned. Many people may argue that marriage is all-perfect harmony. It gets a bit idealized in many minds.
Flash forward to six months after the wedding when you are playing paper-rock-scissors to see who has to clean the bathroom. Marriage is a sacred and holy institution. Doing the dishes is not. Love makes marriage grand. Love does not take out the trash, do laundry, do windows or vacuum. You do.
Marriage is a 24-hour-a-day, seven-day-a-week, roommate compatibility test. You know you love one another, but can you live with one another?
I love my wife. Before we were married I had no idea that she preferred a tile or wood floor in the kitchen. (I do not know on which date that is an appropriate question to ask.) Nevertheless, every morning I get up and scurry across the cold kitchen floor to my coffee pot, turn it on and then scurry back to the carpet until it is done.
There are some other things I do not like to do. I do not like trying to slip my clothes out of the dresser without making any noise so that my wife can sleep later than me. I thought marriage was about equality. If I get up at 7, why doesn’t she have to? I know she thinks some of the same things about me.
I love football, but have to study a lot. By Sunday evening I have usually camped out in front of the television and surrounded myself on the couch and coffee table with stacks of books, papers and homework. She refers to it as my “fortress.”
Have you ever asked your beloved about their study habits?
I had been out of my parents’ house and living with roommates for about eight years when my wife and I were married. She had been doing the same for four years. We had both learned much about what we liked in a roommate and what we did not.
One of the most important things we did was discuss these things before we were married. We discussed the pleasant and not-so-pleasant quirks of various roommates and realized that our similarities were parts of what made us so compatible.
You cannot assume you are compatible as roommates simply because you are in love. When my wife and I first met, I was always trying to impress her by helping with the dishes. I used to think it was cool when we would go do laundry together. She does not think it is cool to do our laundry by herself. She does it, though. We learned the art of compromise from practicing with other roommates (also because I shrink stuff).
Many of my friends have become smitten in love and married without recognizing these issues or even discussing them. The “love conquers all” ideal does not get the bed made or floor swept. Some of my married friends have even devised methods of rotating the chores or assigning particular ones to each other. Those with roommate experience are probably aware of what happens when you get tired of reminding someone that it is their turn to dust or their job to pay the bills on time.
It is just as frustrating in a marriage where you are trying to be equal partners. Sometimes you have to use those practiced skills of compromise, understanding and empathy to make it work.
I work a lot and go to graduate school full-time. My wife understands when I can’t find the time to do some of the chores that I used to do.
What makes a marriage wonderful is understanding in these matters. She recognizes my efforts, and I am thankful for her being there to cover for me. We know it will not always be this way and that the tables will likely turn one day when she is in graduate school.
The next time you are out looking for Mr. or Ms. Right, remember to ask about their roommates. See what they like and do not like. Also, you should pay attention to how much effort they put into daily tasks and chores.
If they will not do it for themselves and their roommate, love will not keep them doing it later.
John Summerlot is a graduate student in counseling. He can be reached at [email protected].