Everything you need to know about everything that is:The Ups are Down in College Sports
Recent discussions among the higher ups in the National Collegiate Athletic Association have resulted in a possible name change for the institution. The top 5:
*Neo-Communists Abusing Authority
*Nimrods Conspiring Against Austin
*Needlessly Counting Austin’s Academics
*No Class At All
War on Terror
The modern war complete with media coverage almost as good as the NFL’s helmet-cam, carries a surprisingly new consequence-people die.
The new Iraqi national anthem is echoing through the streets, “Ti-iime… it’s on our side. Yes, it is.” Meanwhile, Osama bin Laden furthers his film career as we frantically hunt him down. Really, folks, this guy is not worth halting a war over. Remember all those times your teacher told you not to get stuck on one problem, lest you fail the test? Binny-boy’s day is coming.
The Oxymoronic
Quote of the year: “If we had a foreign policy that tried to get people to like us, as opposed to irritating everybody in the damn world, it would be a lot better thing.”-James Carville, a man more irritating than Ross Perot.
In a Today Show interview about families, Al Gore suggested that the reason people got married was because of A) the way God designed us and B) the way evolution formed us. Talk about covering your ground.
Bipartisanship: a combination of a word meaning “strongly supporting one side” and prefix meaning “doubly.” No wonder politicians get a bad rap.
After a jury ordered a gun distributor to pay $1.2 million to the widow of a teacher killed by a gunman, Allen Rostron, an attorney for the Brady Center to Prevent Gun Violence, said, “The jury ruled this company could have distributed a safer gun that would have made it harder to commit this murder.” How about a Rubik’s cube trigger lock? That should do the trick.
Almost Unprintable
What do they put in that little blue pill? It’s driven Mark Martin to a second place finish in the Winston Cup, gone to bat for Rafael Palmeiro, and now it’s saving the lives of the world’s endangered species. The Chinese are now discovering Viagra is more effective and cheaper than the sex potions they’ve been using that include products from reindeer antlers, sea horses, geckos and “certain organs” from Canadian hooded and harp seals. Unfortunately, Chinese toy stores have noticed a decrease in sales of Hula-Hoops and the strangely popular maple leaf-logo beach balls.
Bizarre Event of the Week
A lady in Berlin dangled her small child over a balcony to the horror of people below. Wait, no, that was Michael Jackson. This guy truly is the King of Rock, Pop and Everything Weird. As a friend once told me, “Only in America can a poor black boy grow up to be a rich white woman.”
Michael Stewart is a junior philosophy and religion major.